The Old Bachelor: A Comedy

BELLMOUR, LUCY.

Bell. Humph, sits the wind there? What a lucky rogue am I! Oh, what sport will be here, if I can persuade this wench to secrecy!

Lucy. Sir: reverend sir.

Bell. Madam. [_Discovers himself_.]

Lucy. Now, goodness have mercy upon me! Mr. Bellmour! is it you?

Bell. Even I. What dost think?

Lucy. Think! That I should not believe my eyes, and that you are not what you seem to be.

Bell. True. But to convince thee who I am, thou knowest my old token. [_Kisses her_.]

Lucy. Nay, Mr. Bellmour: O Lard! I believe you are a parson in good earnest, you kiss so devoutly.

Bell. Well, your business with me, Lucy?

Lucy. I had none, but through mistake.

Bell. Which mistake you must go through with, Lucy. Come, I know the intrigue between Heartwell and your mistress; and you mistook me for Tribulation Spintext, to marry ’em—Ha? are not matters in this posture? Confess: come, I’ll be faithful; I will, i’faith. What! diffide in me, Lucy?

Lucy. Alas-a-day! You and Mr. Vainlove, between you, have ruined my poor mistress: you have made a gap in her reputation; and can you blame her if she make it up with a husband?

Bell. Well, is it as I say?

Lucy. Well, it is then: but you’ll be secret?

Bell. Phuh, secret, ay. And to be out of thy debt, I’ll trust thee with another secret. Your mistress must not marry Heartwell, Lucy.

Lucy. How! O Lord!

Bell. Nay, don’t be in passion, Lucy:—I’ll provide a fitter husband for her. Come, here’s earnest of my good intentions for thee too; let this mollify. [_Gives her money_.] Look you, Heartwell is my friend; and though he be blind, I must not see him fall into the snare, and unwittingly marry a whore.

Lucy. Whore! I’d have you to know my mistress scorns—

Bell. Nay, nay: look you, Lucy; there are whores of as good quality. But to the purpose, if you will give me leave to acquaint you with it. Do you carry on the mistake of me: I’ll marry ’em. Nay, don’t pause; if you do, I’ll spoil all. I have some private reasons for what I do, which I’ll tell you within. In the meantime, I promise—and rely upon me—to help your mistress to a husband: nay, and thee too, Lucy. Here’s my hand, I will; with a fresh assurance. [_Gives her more money_.]

Lucy. Ah, the devil is not so cunning. You know my easy nature. Well, for once I’ll venture to serve you; but if you do deceive me, the curse of all kind, tender-hearted women light upon you!

Bell. That’s as much as to say, the pox take me. Well, lead on.