Alice in Wonderland: A Dramatization of Lewis Carroll's "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" and "Through the Looking Glass"

SCENE ONE

_Is a garden of high, very conventional and artificial looking flowers. On a large mushroom sits the CATERPILLAR smoking a hookah. ALICE is whirling about trying to get her equilibrium after her fall. She goes to the mushroom timidly and, conscious of her size, for her chin reaches the top of the mushroom, she gazes at the CATERPILLAR wonderingly. He looks at her lazily and speaks in a languid voice._

Caterpillar. Who are you?

Alice. I--I hardly know, sir, just at present. The Queen frightened me so and I've had an awfully funny fall down a tunnel or a sort of well. At least I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then.

Caterpillar. What do you mean by that? Explain yourself.

Alice. I can't explain myself, I'm afraid, Sir, because I'm not myself, you see. Being so many different sizes in a day is very confusing.

[Illustration]

Caterpillar. You! Who are you?

Alice. I think you ought to tell me who you are, first.

Caterpillar. Why?

[_As ALICE turns away._]

Come back. I've something important to say.

[_ALICE comes back._]

Keep your temper.

Alice. Is that all?

Caterpillar. No.

[_He puffs at the hookah in silence; finally takes it out of his mouth and unfolds his arms._]

So you think you're changed, do you?

Alice. I'm afraid I am, Sir; I don't keep the same size.

Caterpillar. What size do you want to be?

Alice. I don't know. At least I've never been so small as a caterpillar.

Caterpillar. [_Rears angrily._]

It is a very good height indeed.

Alice. But I'm not used to it; I wish you wouldn't all be so easily offended.

Caterpillar. You'll get used to it in time.

Alice. Are you too big or am I too small?

[_She compares her height wonderingly with the tall flowers._]

Caterpillar. [_Looks at her sleepily, yawns, shakes himself, slides down from the mushroom and crawls slowly away._]

One side will make you grow taller, and the other side will make you grow shorter.

Alice. One side of what? The other side of what?

Caterpillar. Of the mushroom.

[_ALICE hesitates, then embraces mushroom and picks bit from each side._]

[_Three gardeners representing spades enter carrying brushes and red paint cans._]

Two-Spot. Look out now, Five. Don't go splashing paint over me like that.

Five-Spot. I couldn't help it. Seven jogged my elbow.

Seven-Spot. That's right, Five, always lay the blame on others.

Five-Spot. You'd better not talk. I heard the Queen say only yesterday you deserved to be beheaded.

Two-Spot. What for?

Seven-Spot. That's none of your business, Two.

Five-Spot. Yes, it is his business, and I'll tell him. It was for bringing the cook tulip roots instead of onions.

Seven-Spot. Well, of all the unjust things--

[_Sees ALICE; others look around, all bow._]

Alice. Could you please tell me what side to eat?

[_FIVE and SEVEN look at TWO._]

Two-Spot. I don't know anything about it.

[_He paints a white rose, red._]

You ought to have been red, we put you in by mistake, and if the Queen was to find it out we should all have our heads cut off.

[_A thumping is heard off stage and the music grows louder and louder._]

Alice. What's that?

Five-Spot. The White Chess Queen.

Seven-Spot. Don't let her see what we are doing.

Two-Spot. She'll tell on us.

Seven-Spot. Run out and stop her from coming here.

Five-Spot. [_To ALICE as she runs to the right._]

No, no, the other way.

Alice. But she's off there!

Two-Spot. You can only meet her by walking the other way.

Alice. Oh! what nonsense.

ALL THE GARDENERS

Go the other way!

Alice. [_Re-enters in dismay and dashes out to the left._]

She's running away from me.

[_The WHITE QUEEN backs in from right and ALICE backs in from left. They meet. The gardeners cry "The Queen" and throw themselves flat upon the ground; their backs are like the backs of the rest of the pack. Music stops. ALICE looks at the QUEEN curiously._]

Alice. Oh, there you are! Why, I'm just the size I was when I saw you last.

White Queen. Of course you are, and who are these? I can't tell them by their backs.

[_She turns them over with her foot._]

Turn over. Ah! I thought so! Get up! What have you been doing here?

Two-Spot. May it please your Majesty, we were trying--

White Queen. [_Examines rose._]

I see! Begone, or I'll send the horses after you, and tell the Queen of Hearts.

[_GARDENERS rush off. The RED QUEEN enters. ALICE has gone to the mushroom again to look at its sides and there to her amazement finds a gold crown and scepter, which she immediately appropriates. Music. The QUEENS watch ALICE superciliously. ALICE puts on her crown, proudly exclaiming in great elation, "Queen Alice," and walks down stage bowing right and left to the homage of imaginary subjects. She repeats as if scarcely daring to believe it true, "Queen Alice." Music stops._]

Red Queen. Ridiculous!

Alice. Isn't this the Eighth Square?

Red Queen. You can't be a Queen, you know, till you've passed the proper examination.

White Queen. The sooner we begin it, the better.

Alice. Please, would you tell me--

Red Queen. Speak when you're spoken to.

Alice. But if everybody obeyed that rule, and if you only spoke when you were spoken to, and the other person always waited for you to begin, you see nobody would ever say anything, so that--

Red Queen. Preposterous.

Alice. I only said "if."

Red Queen. She says she only said "if."

White Queen. [_Moans and wrings her hands._]

But she said a great deal more than that. Ah, yes, so much more than that.

Red Queen. So you did, you know; always speak the truth--think before you speak--and write it down afterwards.

Alice. I'm sure I didn't mean--

Red Queen. That's just what I complained of. You _should_ have meant! What do you suppose is the use of a child without any meaning? Even a joke should have some meaning--and a child's more important than a joke, I hope. You couldn't deny that, even if you tried with both hands.

Alice. I don't deny things with my _hands_.

Red Queen. Nobody said you did. I said you couldn't if you tried.

White Queen. She's in that state of mind, that she wants to deny _something_--only she doesn't know what to deny!

Red Queen. A nasty, vicious temper. I invite you to Alice's dinner party this afternoon.

White Queen. And I invite _you_.

Alice. I didn't know I was to have a party at all; but if there is to be one, I think I ought to invite the guests.

Red Queen. We gave you the opportunity of doing it, but I dare say you've not had many lessons in manners yet.

Alice. Manners are not taught in lessons; lessons teach you to do sums, and things of that sort.

White Queen. Can you do addition? What's one and one and one and one and one and one and one and one and one and one?

Alice. I don't know. I lost count.

Red Queen. She can't do addition; can you do subtraction? Take nine from eight.

Alice. Nine from eight I can't, you know, but--

White Queen. She can't do subtraction. Can you do division? Divide a loaf by a knife--what's the answer to that?

Alice. I suppose--

Red Queen. [_Answers for her._]

Bread and butter, of course. Try another subtraction sum. Take a bone from a dog; what remains?

Alice. The bone wouldn't remain, of course, if I took it--and the dog wouldn't remain; it would come to bite me--and I'm sure I shouldn't remain.

Red Queen. Then you think nothing would remain?

Alice. I think that's the answer.

Red Queen. Wrong as usual; the dog's temper would remain.

Alice. But I don't see how--

Red Queen. Why, look here; the dog would lose its temper, wouldn't it?

Alice. Perhaps it would.

Red Queen. Then if the dog went away, its temper would remain!

Alice. They might go different ways! What dreadful nonsense we _are_ talking.

BOTH QUEENS

She can't do sums a bit!

Alice. Can _you_ do sums?

White Queen. I can do addition, if you give me time--but I can't do _subtraction_ under _any_ circumstances.

Red Queen. Of course you know your A, B, C?

Alice. To be sure I do.

White Queen. So do I; we'll often say it over together, dear. And I'll tell you a secret--I can read words of one letter. Isn't that grand? However, don't be discouraged. You'll come to it in time.

Red Queen. Can you answer useful questions? How is bread made?

Alice. I know _that_! You take some flour--

White Queen. Where do you pick the flower? In a garden or in the hedges?

Alice. Well, it isn't _picked_ at all. It's ground--

White Queen. How many acres of ground? You mustn't leave out so many things.

Red Queen. Fan her head! She'll be feverish after so much thinking.

[_They fan her with bunches of leaves which blow her hair wildly._]

Alice. Please--please--

Red Queen. She's all right again now. Do you know languages? What's the French for fiddle-de-dee?

Alice. Fiddle-de-dee's not English.

Red Queen. Who ever said it was?

Alice. If you tell me what language fiddle-de-dee is, I'll tell you the French for it!

Red Queen. Queens never make bargains!

Alice. I wish Queens never asked questions!

White Queen. Don't let us quarrel; what is the cause of lightning?

Alice. The cause of lightning is the thunder--no, no! I meant the other way.

Red Queen. It's too late to correct it; when you've once said a thing, that fixes it, and you must take the consequences.

White Queen. We had _such_ a thunderstorm next Tuesday, you can't think.

Red Queen. She _never_ could, you know.

White Queen. Part of the roof came off, and ever so much thunder got in--and it went rolling round the room in great lumps--and knocking over the tables and things--till I was so frightened, I couldn't remember my own name!

Alice. I never should _try_ to remember my name in the middle of an accident. Where would be the use of it?

Red Queen. You must excuse her. She means well, but she can't help saying foolish things, as a general rule. She never was really well brought up, but it's amazing how good tempered she is! Pat her on the head, and see how pleased she'll be! A little kindness and putting her hair in papers would do wonders with her.

White Queen. [_Gives a deep sigh and leans her head on ALICE'S shoulder._]

I _am_ so sleepy!

Red Queen. She's tired, poor thing; smooth her hair--lend her your night cap--and sing her a soothing lullaby.

Alice. I haven't got a night cap with me, and I don't know any soothing lullabies.

Red Queen. I must do it myself, then.

[Illustration: ALICE: Do wake up, you heavy things!]

Hush-a-by lady, in Alice's lap! Till the feast's ready, we've time for a nap; When the feast's over, we'll go to the ball-- Red Queen and White Queen and Alice and all!

And now you know the words.

[_She puts her head on ALICE'S other shoulder._]

Just sing it through to _me_. I'm getting sleepy too.

[_Both queens fall fast asleep and snore loudly._]

Alice. What _am_ I to do? Take care of two Queens asleep at once? Do wake up, you heavy things!

[_All lights go out, leaving a mysterious glow on ALICE and the queens._]

White Rabbit. [_Blows trumpet off stage._]

The trial's beginning!

Alice. What trial is it?

White Rabbit. Who stole the tarts.

Alice. I ate a tart.

White Rabbit. You've got to be tried.

Alice. I don't want to be tried.

White Rabbit. You've got to be tried.

Alice. I won't be tried--I won't-I won't!

SCENE TWO

_Is a court room suggesting playing cards. The jurymen are all kinds of creatures. The KING and QUEEN OF HEARTS are seated on the throne. The KNAVE is before them in chains. The WHITE RABBIT has a trumpet in one hand, and a scroll of parchment in the other. In the middle of the court stands a table with a large dish of tarts upon it._

White Rabbit. [_Blows three blasts on his trumpet._]

Silence in the court!

Alice. [_Watches jurymen writing busily on their slates._]

What are they doing? They can't have anything to put down yet, before the trial's begun.

Knave. They're putting down their names for fear they should forget them before the end of the trial.

Alice. Stupid things!

White Rabbit. Silence in the court!

JURORS

[_Write in chorus._]

Stupid things!

ONE JUROR

How do you spell stupid?

Alice. A nice muddle their slates will be in before the trial's over.

Queen. There's a pencil squeaking. Cut it down!

JURORS

[_In chorus as they write._]

Squeaking--

King. [_Wears a crown over his wig; puts on his spectacles as he says._]

Herald, read the accusation!

[Illustration]

White Rabbit. [_Blows three blasts on his trumpet, unrolls parchment scroll and reads to music._]

The Queen of Hearts, she made some tarts, All on a summer day; The Knave of Hearts, he stole those tarts, And took them quite away!

King. Consider your verdict!

White Rabbit. Not yet, not yet; there's a great deal to come before that.

King. Call the first witness.

White Rabbit. First witness!

Hatter. [_Comes in with a teacup in one hand and a piece of bread and butter in the other._]

I beg your pardon, your Majesty, for bringing these in, but I hadn't quite finished my tea when I was sent for.

King. You ought to have finished; when did you begin?

Hatter. [_Looks at the MARCH HARE, who follows him arm-in-arm with the DORMOUSE._]

Fourteenth of March, I _think_ it was.

March Hare. Fifteenth.

Dormouse. Sixteenth.

King. Write that down.

Jury. Fourteen, fifteen, sixteen--forty-five. Reduce that to shillings--

King. Take off your hat.

Hatter. It isn't mine.

King. _Stolen!_

Jury. Stolen!

Hatter. I keep them to sell. I've none of my own. I'm a hatter.

QUEEN OF HEARTS

[_Puts on her spectacles and stares at HATTER, who fidgets uncomfortably._]

King. Give your evidence and don't be nervous, or I'll have you executed on the spot.

[_The HATTER continues to shift nervously from one foot to the other, looks uneasily at the QUEEN, trembles so that he shakes off both of his shoes, and in his confusion bites a large piece out of his teacup instead of the bread and butter._]

Hatter. I'm a poor man, your Majesty, and I hadn't but just begun my tea--not above a week or so--and what with the bread and butter getting so thin--and the twinkling of the tea--

King. The twinkling of _what_?

Hatter. It began with the tea.

King. Of course twinkling begins with a T. Do you take me for a dunce? Go on!

Hatter. I'm a poor man and most things twinkled after that--only the March Hare said--

March Hare. I didn't!

Hatter. You did.

March Hare. I deny it.

King. He denies it; leave out that part.

Queen. But what did the Dormouse say?

Hatter. That I can't remember.

King. You _must_ remember or I'll have you executed.

Hatter. [_Drops teacup and bread and butter and goes down on one knee._]

I'm a poor man, your Majesty.

King. If that's all you know about it you may stand down.

Hatter. I can't go no lower; I'm on the floor as it is.

King. Then you may sit down.

Hatter. I'd rather finish my tea.

King. You may go.

[_The HATTER goes out hurriedly, leaving one of his shoes behind._]

Queen. [_Nonchalantly to an officer._]

And just take his head off outside.

[_But the HATTER was out of sight before the officer could get to the door._]

King. Call the next witness!

White Rabbit. Next witness!

[_The DUCHESS enters with a pepper pot, which she shakes about. Everybody begins to sneeze. MARCH HARE sneezes and rushes out._]

King. Give your evidence!

Duchess. Shan't!

White Rabbit. Your Majesty must cross-examine _this_ witness.

King. Well, if I must, I must. What does your cook say tarts are made of?

Duchess. Pepper.

[_The DUCHESS shakes the pot and the court sneezes._]

Dormouse. Treacle!

[_The DUCHESS shakes the pot at him. He sneezes for the first time._]

Queen. Collar the Dormouse! Behead the Dormouse! Turn that Dormouse out of court! Suppress him! Pinch him! Off with his whiskers!

[_The whole court is in confusion, turning the DORMOUSE out, and while it is settling down again the DUCHESS disappears._]

White Rabbit. The Duchess!

COURT

She's gone--she's gone.

King. Never mind!

[_In a low tone to the QUEEN._]

Really, my dear, _you_ must cross-examine the next witness. It quite makes my forehead ache! Call the next witness!

White Rabbit. [_Fumbles with the parchment, then cries in a shrill little voice._]

Alice!

Alice. Here!

King. What do you know about this business?

Alice. Nothing whatever.

King. [_To the jury._]

That's very important.

White Rabbit. _Un_important, your Majesty means, of course.

King. _Un_important, of course I meant. Important--unimportant--unimportant-- important. Consider your verdict!

[_Some of the jury write "important" and some write "unimportant."_]

White Rabbit. There's more evidence to come yet, please your Majesty; this paper has just been picked up.

Queen. What's in it?

White Rabbit. [_Fumbles with a huge envelope._]

I haven't opened it yet, but it seems to be a letter, written by the prisoner to--to somebody.

King. It must have been that unless it was written to nobody, which isn't usual, you know.

Alice. Who is it directed to?

White Rabbit. It isn't directed at all; in fact, there's nothing written on the _outside_.

[_Takes out a tiny piece of paper._]

It isn't a letter at all; it's a set of verses.

Queen. Are they in the prisoner's handwriting?

[_The jury brightens up._]

White Rabbit. [_Looks at the KNAVE'S hand. KNAVE hides his hand; the chains rattle._]

No, they're not, and that's the queerest thing about it.

[_The jury looks puzzled._]

King. He must have imitated somebody else's hand!

Knave. Please, your Majesty, I didn't write it and they can't prove I did; there's no name signed at the end.

King. If you didn't sign it that only makes the matter worse. You _must_ have meant some mischief, or else you'd have signed your name like an honest man.

[_At this there is a general clapping of hands._]

Queen. That _proves_ his guilt.

Alice. It proves nothing of the sort! Why, you don't even know what they're about.

King. Read them!

White Rabbit. [_Puts on his monocle._]

Where shall I begin, please your Majesty?

King. Begin at the beginning and go on till you come to the end, then stop.

White Rabbit. "They told me you had been to her, And mentioned me to him; She gave me a good character, But said I could not swim.

"I gave her one, they gave him two, You gave us three or more; They all returned from him to you, Though they were mine before.

"My notion was that you had been (Before she had this fit) An obstacle that came between Him, and ourselves, and it.

"Don't let him know she liked him best, For this must ever be A secret, kept from all the rest, Between yourself and me."

King. That's the most important piece of evidence we've heard yet; so now let the jury--

Alice. If anyone of them can explain it, I'll give him sixpence. I don't believe there's an atom of meaning in it.

Jury. She doesn't believe there's an atom of meaning in it.

King. If there's no meaning in it, that saves a world of trouble, you know, as we needn't try to find any. And yet I don't know.

[_Spreads out the verses on his knee and studies them._]

I seem to see some meaning after all. "Said I could not swim." You can't swim, can you?

Knave. [_Shakes his head sadly and points to his suit._]

Do I look like it?

King. All right, so far; "We know it to be true," that's the jury, of course; "I gave her one, they gave him two" why that must be what he did with the tarts, you know--

Alice. But it goes on "they all returned from _him_ to _you_."

King. [_Triumphantly pointing to the tarts._]

Why, there they are! Nothing can be clearer than that. Then again, "before she had this fit," you never had fits, my dear, I think?

Queen. Never!

King. Then the words don't _fit_ you.

[_There is dead silence, while the KING looks around at the court with a smile._]

King. It's a pun!

[_Everybody laughs. Music._]

King. Let the jury consider their verdict.

Queen. No, no! Sentence first--verdict afterwards.

Alice. Stuff and nonsense!

Queen. [_Furiously._]

Hold your tongue!

Alice. I won't!

Queen. Off with her head!

Alice. Who cares for you?

Queen. Cut it off!

Alice. You're nothing but a pack of cards!

[_As lights go out and curtain falls all the characters hold their positions as if petrified._]

CURTAIN

SCENE THREE

[_The curtain rises to show ALICE still asleep in the armchair, the fire in the grate suffusing her with its glow._]

Carroll. Wake up, Alice, it is time for tea.

[_Off stage the characters repeat their most characteristic lines, "Off with her head," "Consider your verdict," "Oh! my fur and whiskers"; the DUCHESS sneezes, the cat cries, as if the characters were fading away into the pack of real playing cards which shower through the mirror all over ALICE. There is music._]

Alice. [_Wakes, rises, and looks about in surprise and wonderment._]

Why----it was a dream!

CURTAIN