The Rivals

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Scene I--JULIA's Dressing-Room. [JULIA discovered alone.]

JULIA How this message has alarmed me! what dreadful accident can he mean? why such charge to be alone?--O Faulkland!--how many unhappy moments--how many tears have you cost me.

[Enter FAULKLAND.]

JULIA What means this?--why this caution, Faulkland?

FAULKLAND Alas! Julia, I am come to take a long farewell.

JULIA Heavens! what do you mean?

FAULKLAND You see before you a wretch, whose life is forfeited. Nay, start not!--the infirmity of my temper has drawn all this misery on me. I left you fretful and passionate--an untoward accident drew me into a quarrel--the event is, that I must fly this kingdom instantly. O Julia, had I been so fortunate as to have called you mine entirely, before this mischance had fallen on me, I should not so deeply dread my banishment!

JULIA My soul is oppressed with sorrow at the nature of your misfortune: had these adverse circumstances arisen from a less fatal cause, I should have felt strong comfort in the thought that I could now chase from your bosom every doubt of the warm sincerity of my love. My heart has long known no other guardian--I now entrust my person to your honour--we will fly together. When safe from pursuit, my father's will may be fulfilled--and I receive a legal claim to be the partner of your sorrows, and tenderest comforter. Then on the bosom of your wedded Julia, you may lull your keen regret to slumbering; while virtuous love, with a cherub's hand, shall smooth the brow of upbraiding thought, and pluck the thorn from compunction.

FAULKLAND O Julia! I am bankrupt in gratitude! but the time is so pressing, it calls on you for so hasty a resolution.--Would you not wish some hours to weigh the advantages you forego, and what little compensation poor Faulkland can make you beside his solitary love?

JULIA I ask not a moment. No, Faulkland, I have loved you for yourself: and if I now, more than ever, prize the solemn engagement which so long has pledged us to each other, it is because it leaves no room for hard aspersions on my fame, and puts the seal of duty to an act of love. But let us not linger. Perhaps this delay----

FAULKLAND 'Twill be better I should not venture out again till dark. Yet am I grieved to think what numberless distresses will press heavy on your gentle disposition!

JULIA Perhaps your fortune may be forfeited by this unhappy act.--I know not whether 'tis so; but sure that alone can never make us unhappy. The little I have will be sufficient to support us; and exile never should be splendid.

FAULKLAND Ay, but in such an abject state of life, my wounded pride perhaps may increase the natural fretfulness of my temper, till I become a rude, morose companion, beyond your patience to endure. Perhaps the recollection of a deed my conscience cannot justify may haunt me in such gloomy and unsocial fits, that I shall hate the tenderness that would relieve me, break from your arms, and quarrel with your fondness!

JULIA If your thoughts should assume so unhappy a bent, you will the more want some mild and affectionate spirit to watch over and console you: one who, by bearing your infirmities with gentleness and resignation, may teach you so to bear the evils of your fortune.

FAULKLAND Julia, I have proved you to the quick! and with this useless device I throw away all my doubts. How shall I plead to be forgiven this last unworthy effect of my restless, unsatisfied disposition?

JULIA Has no such disaster happened as you related?

FAULKLAND I am ashamed to own that it was pretended; yet in pity, Julia, do not kill me with resenting a fault which never can be repeated: but sealing, this once, my pardon, let me to-morrow, in the face of Heaven, receive my future guide and monitress, and expiate my past folly by years of tender adoration.

JULIA Hold, Faulkland!--that you are free from a crime, which I before feared to name, Heaven knows how sincerely I rejoice! These are tears of thankfulness for that! But that your cruel doubts should have urged you to an imposition that has wrung my heart, gives me now a pang more keen than I can express!

FAULKLAND By Heavens! Julia----

JULIA Yet hear me,--My father loved you, Faulkland! and you preserved the life that tender parent gave me; in his presence I pledged my hand--joyfully pledged it--where before I had given my heart. When, soon after, I lost that parent, it seemed to me that Providence had, in Faulkland, shown me whither to transfer without a pause, my grateful duty, as well as my affection; hence I have been content to bear from you what pride and delicacy would have forbid me from another. I will not upbraid you, by repeating how you have trifled with my sincerity ----

FAULKLAND I confess it all! yet hear----

JULIA After such a year of trial, I might have flattered myself that I should not have been insulted with a new probation of my sincerity, as cruel as unnecessary! I now see it is not in your nature to be content or confident in love. With this conviction--I never will be yours. While I had hopes that my persevering attention, and unreproaching kindness, might in time reform your temper, I should have been happy to have gained a dearer influence over you; but I will not furnish you with a licensed power to keep alive an incorrigible fault, at the expense of one who never would contend with you.

FAULKLAND Nay, but, Julia, by my soul and honour, if after this----

JULIA But one word more.--As my faith has once been given to you, I never will barter it with another.--I shall pray for your happiness with the truest sincerity; and the dearest blessing I can ask of Heaven to send you will be to charm you from that unhappy temper, which alone has prevented the performance of our solemn engagement. All I request of you is, that you will yourself reflect upon this infirmity, and when you number up the many true delights it has deprived you of, let it not be your least regret, that it lost you the love of one who would have followed you in beggary through the world! [Exit.]

FAULKLAND She's gone--for ever!--There was an awful resolution in her manner, that riveted me to my place.--O fool!--dolt!--barbarian! Cursed as I am, with more imperfections than my fellow wretches, kind Fortune sent a heaven-gifted cherub to my aid, and, like a ruffian, I have driven her from my side!--I must now haste to my appointment. Well, my mind is tuned for such a scene. I shall wish only to become a principal in it, and reverse the tale my cursed folly put me upon forging here.--O Love!--tormentor!--fiend!--whose influence, like the moon's, acting on men of dull souls, makes idiots of them, but meeting subtler spirits, betrays their course, and urges sensibility to madness! [Exit.]

[Enter LYDIA and MAID.]

MAID My mistress, ma'am, I know, was here just now--perhaps she is only in the next room. [Exit.]

LYDIA Heigh-ho! Though he has used me so, this fellow runs strangely in my head. I believe one lecture from my grave cousin will make me recall him.

[Re-enter JULIA.]

O Julia, I am come to you with such an appetite for consolation.--Lud! child, what's the matter with you? You have been crying!--I'll be hanged if that Faulkland has not been tormenting you.

JULIA You mistake the cause of my uneasiness!--Something has flurried me a little. Nothing that you can guess at.--[Aside.] I would not accuse Faulkland to a sister!

LYDIA Ah! whatever vexations you may have, I can assure you mine surpass them. You know who Beverley proves to be?

JULIA I will now own to you, Lydia, that Mr. Faulkland had before informed me of the whole affair. Had young Absolute been the person you took him for, I should not have accepted your confidence on the subject, without a serious endeavour to counteract your caprice.

LYDIA So, then, I see I have been deceived by every one! But I don't care--I'll never have him.

JULIA Nay, Lydia----

LYDIA Why, is it not provoking? when I thought we were coming to the prettiest distress imaginable, to find myself made a mere Smithfield bargain of at last! There, had I projected one of the most sentimental elopements!--so becoming a disguise!--so amiable a ladder of ropes!--Conscious moon--four horses--Scotch parson--with such surprise to Mrs. Malaprop--and such paragraphs in the newspapers!--Oh, I shall die with disappointment!

JULIA I don't wonder at it!

LYDIA Now--sad reverse!--what have I to expect, but, after a deal of flimsy preparation with a bishop's license, and my aunt's blessing, to go simpering up to the altar; or perhaps be cried three times in a country church, and have an unmannerly fat clerk ask the consent of every butcher in the parish to join John Absolute and Lydia Languish, spinster! Oh that I should live to hear myself called spinster!

JULIA Melancholy indeed!

LYDIA How mortifying, to remember the dear delicious shifts I used to be put to, to gain half a minute's conversation with this fellow! How often have I stole forth, in the coldest night in January, and found him in the garden, stuck like a dripping statue! There would he kneel to me in the snow, and sneeze and cough so pathetically! he shivering with cold and I with apprehension! and while the freezing blast numbed our joints, how warmly would he press me to pity his flame, and glow with mutual ardour!--Ah, Julia, that was something like being in love.

JULIA If I were in spirits, Lydia, I should chide you only by laughing heartily at you; but it suits more the situation of my mind, at present, earnestly to entreat you not to let a man, who loves you with sincerity, suffer that unhappiness from your caprice, which I know too well caprice can inflict.

LYDIA O Lud! what has brought my aunt here?

[Enter Mrs. MALAPROP, FAG, and DAVID.]

Mrs. MALAPROP So! so! here's fine work!--here's fine suicide, parricide, and simulation, going on in the fields! and Sir Anthony not to be found to prevent the antistrophe!

JULIA For Heaven's sake, madam, what's the meaning of this?

Mrs. MALAPROP That gentleman can tell you--'twas he enveloped the affair to me.

LYDIA [To FAG.] Do, sir, will you, inform us?

FAG Ma'am, I should hold myself very deficient in every requisite that forms the man of breeding, if I delayed a moment to give all the information in my power to a lady so deeply interested in the affair as you are.

LYDIA But quick! quick sir!

FAG True, ma'am, as you say, one should be quick in divulging matters of this nature; for should we be tedious, perhaps while we are flourishing on the subject, two or three lives may be lost!

LYDIA O patience!--Do, ma'am, for Heaven's sake! tell us what is the matter?

Mrs. MALAPROP Why, murder's the matter! slaughter's the matter! killing's the matter!--but he can tell you the perpendiculars.

LYDIA Then, prithee, sir, be brief.

FAG Why, then, ma'am, as to murder--I cannot take upon me to say--and as to slaughter, or manslaughter, that will be as the jury finds it.

LYDIA But who, sir--who are engaged in this?

FAG Faith, ma'am, one is a young gentleman whom I should be very sorry any thing was to happen to--a very pretty behaved gentleman! We have lived much together, and always on terms.

LYDIA But who is this? who! who! who?

FAG My master, ma'am--my master--I speak of my master.

LYDIA Heavens! What, Captain Absolute!

Mrs. MALAPROP Oh, to be sure, you are frightened now!

JULIA But who are with him, sir?

FAG As to the rest, ma'am, this gentleman can inform you better than I.

JULIA [To DAVID.] Do speak, friend.

DAVID Look'ee, my lady--by the mass! there's mischief going on. Folks don't use to meet for amusement with firearms, firelocks, fire-engines, fire-screens, fire-office, and the devil knows what other crackers beside!--This, my lady, I say, has an angry savour.

JULIA But who is there beside Captain Absolute, friend?

DAVID My poor master--under favour for mentioning him first. You know me, my lady--I am David--and my master of course is, or was, Squire Acres. Then comes Squire Faulkland.

JULIA Do, ma'am, let us instantly endeavour to prevent mischief.

Mrs. MALAPROP O fy! it would be very inelegant in us:--we should only participate things.

DAVID Ah! do, Mrs. Aunt, save a few lives--they are desperately given, believe me.--Above all, there is that bloodthirsty Philistine, Sir Lucius O'Trigger.

Mrs. MALAPROP Sir Lucius O'Trigger? O mercy! have they drawn poor little dear Sir Lucius into the scrape?--Why how you stand, girl! you have no more feeling than one of the Derbyshire petrifactions!

LYDIA What are we to do, madam?

Mrs. MALAPROP Why, fly with the utmost felicity, to be sure, to prevent mischief!--Here, friend, you can show us the place?

FAG If you please, ma'am, I will conduct you.--David, do you look for Sir Anthony.

[Exit DAVID.]

Mrs. MALAPROP Come, girls! this gentleman will exhort us.--Come, sir, you're our envoy--lead the way, and we'll precede.

FAG Not a step before the ladies for the world!

Mrs. MALAPROP You're sure you know the spot?

FAG I think I can find it, ma'am; and one good thing is, we shall hear the report of the pistols as we draw near, so we can't well miss them;--never fear, ma'am, never fear.

[Exeunt, he talking.]

* * * * * * *

Scene II--The South Parade. [Enter CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE, putting his sword under his great coat.]

ABSOLUTE A sword seen in the streets of Bath would raise as great an alarm as a mad dog.--How provoking this is in Faulkland!--never punctual! I shall be obliged to go without him at last.--Oh, the devil! here's Sir Anthony! how shall I escape him? [Muffles up his face, and takes a circle to go off.]

[Enter Sir ANTHONY ABSOLUTE.]

Sir ANTHONY How one may be deceived at a little distance! Only that I see he don't know me, I could have sworn that was Jack!--Hey! Gad's life! it is.--Why, Jack, what are you afraid of? hey!--sure I'm right. Why Jack, Jack Absolute! [Goes up to him.]

ABSOLUTE Really, sir, you have the advantage of me:--I don't remember ever to have had the honour--my name is Saunderson, at your service.

Sir ANTHONY Sir, I beg your pardon--I took you--hey?--why, zounds! it is--Stay--[Looks up to his face.] So, so--your humble servant, Mr. Saunderson! Why, you scoundrel, what tricks are you after now?

ABSOLUTE Oh, a joke, sir, a joke! I came here on purpose to look for you, sir.

Sir ANTHONY You did! well, I am glad you were so lucky:--but what are you muffled up so for?--what's this for?--hey!

ABSOLUTE 'Tis cool, sir, isn't it?--rather chilly somehow:--but I shall be late--I have a particular engagement.

Sir ANTHONY Stay!--Why, I thought you were looking for me?--Pray, Jack, where is't you are going?

ABSOLUTE Going, sir?

Sir ANTHONY Ay, where are you going?

ABSOLUTE Where am I going?

Sir ANTHONY You unmannerly puppy!

ABSOLUTE I was going, sir, to--to--to--to Lydia--sir, to Lydia--to make matters up if I could;--and I was looking for you, sir, to--to----

Sir ANTHONY To go with you, I suppose.--Well, come along.

ABSOLUTE Oh! zounds! no, sir, not for the world!--I wished to meet with you, sir,--to--to--to--You find it cool, I'm sure, sir--you'd better not stay out.

Sir ANTHONY Cool!--not at all.--Well, Jack--and what will you say to Lydia?

ABSOLUTE Oh, sir, beg her pardon, humour her--promise and vow: but I detain you, sir--consider the cold air on your gout.

Sir ANTHONY Oh, not at all!--Not at all! I'm in no hurry.--Ah! Jack, you youngsters, when once you are wounded here [Putting his hand to CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE's breast.] Hey! what the deuce have you got here?

ABSOLUTE Nothing, sir--nothing.

Sir ANTHONY What's this?--here's something damned hard.

ABSOLUTE Oh, trinkets, sir! trinkets!--a bauble for Lydia!

Sir ANTHONY Nay, let me see your taste.--[Pulls his coat open, the sword falls.] Trinkets!--a bauble for Lydia!--Zounds! sirrah, you are not going to cut her throat, are you?

ABSOLUTE Ha! ha! ha!--I thought it would divert you, sir, though I didn't mean to tell you till afterwards.

Sir ANTHONY You didn't?--Yes, this is a very diverting trinket, truly!

ABSOLUTE Sir, I'll explain to you.--You know, sir, Lydia is romantic, devilish romantic, and very absurd of course: now, sir, I intend, if she refuses to forgive me, to unsheath this sword, and swear--I'll fall upon its point, and expire at her feet!

Sir ANTHONY Fall upon a fiddlestick's end!--why, I suppose it is the very thing that would please her.--Get along, you fool!

ABSOLUTE Well, sir, you shall hear of my success--you shall hear.--_O Lydia!--forgive me, or this pointed steel_--says I.

Sir ANTHONY _O, booby! stay away and welcome_--says she.--Get along! and damn your trinkets!

[Exit CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.]

[Enter DAVID, running.]

DAVID Stop him! stop him! Murder! Thief! Fire!--Stop fire! Stop fire!--O Sir Anthony--call! call! bid 'm stop! Murder! Fire!

Sir ANTHONY Fire! Murder!--Where?

DAVID Oons! he's out of sight! and I'm out of breath! for my part! O Sir Anthony, why didn't you stop him? why didn't you stop him?

Sir ANTHONY Zounds! the fellow's mad!--Stop whom? stop Jack?

DAVID Ay, the captain, sir!--there's murder and slaughter----

Sir ANTHONY Murder!

DAVID Ay, please you, Sir Anthony, there's all kinds of murder, all sorts of slaughter to be seen in the fields: there's fighting going on, sir--bloody sword-and-gun fighting!

Sir ANTHONY Who are going to fight, dunce?

DAVID Every body that I know of, Sir Anthony:--everybody is going to fight, my poor master, Sir Lucius O'Trigger, your son, the captain----

Sir ANTHONY Oh, the dog! I see his tricks.--Do you know the place?

DAVID King's-Mead-Fields.

Sir ANTHONY You know the way?

DAVID Not an inch; but I'll call the mayor--aldermen--constables--churchwardens--and beadles--we can't be too many to part them.

Sir ANTHONY Come along--give me your shoulder! we'll get assistance as we go--the lying villain!--Well, I shall be in such a frenzy!--So--this was the history of his trinkets! I'll bauble him!

[Exeunt.]

* * * * * * *

Scene III--King's-Mead-Fields. [Enter Sir LUCIUS O'TRIGGER and ACRES, with pistols.]

ACRES By my valour! then, Sir Lucius, forty yards is a good distance. Odds levels and aims!--I say it is a good distance.

Sir LUCIUS Is it for muskets or small field-pieces? Upon my conscience, Mr. Acres, you must leave those things to me.--Stay now--I'll show you.--[Measures paces along the stage.] There now, that is a very pretty distance--a pretty gentleman's distance.

ACRES Zounds! we might as well fight in a sentry-box! I tell you, Sir Lucius, the farther he is off, the cooler I shall take my aim.

Sir LUCIUS Faith! then I suppose you would aim at him best of all if he was out of sight!

ACRES No, Sir Lucius; but I should think forty or eight-and-thirty yards----

Sir LUCIUS Pho! pho! nonsense! three or four feet between the mouths of your pistols is as good as a mile.

ACRES Odds bullets, no!--by my valour! there is no merit in killing him so near; do, my dear Sir Lucius, let me bring him down at a long shot:--a long shot, Sir Lucius, if you love me!

Sir LUCIUS Well, the gentleman's friend and I must settle that.--But tell me now, Mr. Acres, in case of an accident, is there any little will or commission I could execute for you?

ACRES I am much obliged to you, Sir Lucius--but I don't understand----

Sir LUCIUS Why, you may think there's no being shot at without a little risk--and if an unlucky bullet should carry a quietus with it--I say it will be no time then to be bothering you about family matters.

ACRES A quietus!

Sir LUCIUS For instance, now--if that should be the case--would you choose to be pickled and sent home?--or would it be the same to you to lie here in the Abbey? I'm told there is very snug lying in the Abbey.

ACRES Pickled!--Snug lying in the Abbey!--Odds tremors! Sir Lucius, don't talk so!

Sir LUCIUS I suppose, Mr. Acres, you never were engaged in an affair of this kind before?

ACRES No, Sir Lucius, never before.

Sir LUCIUS Ah! that's a pity!--there's nothing like being used to a thing.--Pray now, how would you receive the gentleman's shot?

ACRES Odds files!--I've practised that--there, Sir Lucius--there. [Puts himself in an attitude.] A side-front, hey? Odd! I'll make myself small enough: I'll stand edgeways.

Sir LUCIUS Now--you're quite out--for if you stand so when I take my aim---- [Levelling at him.]

ACRES Zounds! Sir Lucius--are you sure it is not cocked?

Sir LUCIUS Never fear.

ACRES But--but--you don't know--it may go off of its own head!

Sir LUCIUS Pho! be easy.--Well, now if I hit you in the body, my bullet has a double chance--for if it misses a vital part of your right side, 'twill be very hard if it don't succeed on the left!

ACRES A vital part!

Sir LUCIUS But, there--fix yourself so--[Placing him]--let him see the broad-side of your full front--there--now a ball or two may pass clean through your body, and never do any harm at all.

ACRES Clean through me!--a ball or two clean through me!

Sir LUCIUS Ay--may they--and it is much the genteelest attitude into the bargain.

ACRES Look'ee! Sir Lucius--I'd just as lieve be shot in an awkward posture as a genteel one; so, by my valour! I will stand edgeways.

Sir LUCIUS [Looking at his watch.] Sure they don't mean to disappoint us--Hah!--no, faith--I think I see them coming.

ACRES Hey!--what!--coming!----

Sir LUCIUS Ay.--Who are those yonder getting over the stile?

ACRES There are two of them indeed!--well--let them come--hey, Sir Lucius!--we--we--we--we--won't run.

Sir LUCIUS Run!

ACRES No--I say--we won't run, by my valour!

Sir LUCIUS What the devil's the matter with you?

ACRES Nothing--nothing--my dear friend--my dear Sir Lucius--but I--I--I don't feel quite so bold, somehow, as I did.

Sir LUCIUS O fy!--consider your honour.

ACRES Ay--true--my honour. Do, Sir Lucius, edge in a word or two every now and then about my honour.

Sir LUCIUS [Looking.] Well, here they're coming.

ACRES Sir Lucius--if I wa'n't with you, I should almost think I was afraid.--If my valour should leave me!--Valour will come and go.

Sir LUCIUS Then pray keep it fast, while you have it.

ACRES Sir Lucius--I doubt it is going--yes--my valour is certainly going!--it is sneaking off!--I feel it oozing out as it were at the palms of my hands!

Sir LUCIUS Your honour--your honour.--Here they are.

ACRES O mercy!--now--that I was safe at Clod-Hall! or could be shot before I was aware!

[Enter FAULKLAND and CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.]

Sir LUCIUS Gentlemen, your most obedient.--Hah!--what, Captain Absolute!--So, I suppose, sir, you are come here, just like myself--to do a kind office, first for your friend--then to proceed to business on your own account.

ACRES What, Jack!--my dear Jack!--my dear friend!

ABSOLUTE Hark'ee, Bob, Beverley's at hand.

Sir LUCIUS Well, Mr. Acres--I don't blame your saluting the gentleman civilly.--[To FAULKLAND.] So, Mr. Beverley, if you'll choose your weapons, the captain and I will measure the ground.

FAULKLAND My weapons, sir!

ACRES Odds life! Sir Lucius, I'm not going to fight Mr. Faulkland; these are my particular friends.

Sir LUCIUS What, sir, did you not come here to fight Mr. Acres?

FAULKLAND Not I, upon my word, sir.

Sir LUCIUS Well, now, that's mighty provoking! But I hope, Mr. Faulkland, as there are three of us come on purpose for the game, you won't be so cantanckerous as to spoil the party by sitting out.

ABSOLUTE O pray, Faulkland, fight to oblige Sir Lucius.

FAULKLAND Nay, if Mr. Acres is so bent on the matter----

ACRES No, no, Mr. Faulkland;--I'll bear my disappointment like a Christian.--Look'ee, Sir Lucius, there's no occasion at all for me to fight; and if it is the same to you, I'd as lieve let it alone.

Sir LUCIUS Observe me, Mr. Acres--I must not be trifled with. You have certainly challenged somebody--and you came here to fight him. Now, if that gentleman is willing to represent him--I can't see, for my soul, why it isn't just the same thing.

ACRES Why no--Sir Lucius--I tell you, 'tis one Beverley I've challenged--a fellow, you see, that dare not show his face!--if he were here, I'd make him give up his pretensions directly!

ABSOLUTE Hold, Bob--let me set you right--there is no such man as Beverley in the case.--The person who assumed that name is before you; and as his pretensions are the same in both characters, he is ready to support them in whatever way you please.

Sir LUCIUS Well, this is lucky.--Now you have an opportunity----

ACRES What, quarrel with my dear friend Jack Absolute?--not if he were fifty Beverleys! Zounds! Sir Lucius, you would not have me so unnatural.

Sir LUCIUS Upon my conscience, Mr. Acres, your valour has oozed away with a vengeance!

ACRES Not in the least! Odds backs and abettors! I'll be your second with all my heart--and if you should get a quietus, you may command me entirely. I'll get you snug lying in the Abbey here; or pickle you, and send you over to Blunderbuss-hall, or anything of the kind, with the greatest pleasure.

Sir LUCIUS Pho! pho! you are little better than a coward.

ACRES Mind, gentlemen, he calls me a coward; coward was the word, by my valour!

Sir LUCIUS Well, sir?

ACRES Look'ee, Sir Lucius, 'tisn't that I mind the word coward--coward may be said in joke--But if you had called me a poltroon, odds daggers and balls----

Sir LUCIUS Well, sir?

ACRES I should have thought you a very ill-bred man.

Sir LUCIUS Pho! you are beneath my notice.

ABSOLUTE Nay, Sir Lucius, you can't have a better second than my friend Acres--He is a most determined dog--called in the country, Fighting Bob.--He generally kills a man a week--don't you Bob?

ACRES Ay--at home!

Sir LUCIUS Well, then, captain, 'tis we must begin--so come out, my little counsellor--[Draws his sword]--and ask the gentleman, whether he will resign the lady, without forcing you to proceed against him?

ABSOLUTE Come on then, sir--[Draws]; since you won't let it be an amicable suit, here's my reply.

[Enter Sir ANTHONY ABSOLUTE, DAVID, Mrs. MALAPROP, LYDIA, and JULIA.]

DAVID Knock 'em all down, sweet Sir Anthony; knock down my master in particular; and bind his hands over to their good behaviour!

Sir ANTHONY Put up, Jack, put up, or I shall be in a frenzy--how came you in a duel, sir?

ABSOLUTE Faith, sir, that gentleman can tell you better than I; 'twas he called on me, and you know, sir, I serve his majesty.

Sir ANTHONY Here's a pretty fellow; I catch him going to cut a man's throat, and he tells me, he serves his majesty!--Zounds! sirrah, then how durst you draw the king's sword against one of his subjects?

ABSOLUTE Sir! I tell you, that gentleman called me out, without explaining his reasons.

Sir ANTHONY Gad! sir, how came you to call my son out, without explaining your reasons!

Sir LUCIUS Your son, sir, insulted me in a manner which my honour could not brook.

Sir ANTHONY Zounds! Jack, how durst you insult the gentleman in a manner which his honour could not brook?

Mrs. MALAPROP Come, come, let's have no honour before ladies--Captain Absolute, come here--How could you intimidate us so?--Here's Lydia has been terrified to death for you.

ABSOLUTE For fear I should be killed, or escape, ma'am?

Mrs. MALAPROP Nay, no delusions to the past--Lydia is convinced; speak, child.

Sir LUCIUS With your leave, ma'am, I must put in a word here: I believe I could interpret the young lady's silence. Now mark----

LYDIA What is it you mean, sir?

Sir LUCIUS Come, come, Delia, we must be serious now--this is no time for trifling.

LYDIA 'Tis true, sir; and your reproof bids me offer this gentleman my hand, and solicit the return of his affections.

ABSOLUTE O! my little angel, say you so?--Sir Lucius--I perceive there must be some mistake here, with regard to the affront which you affirm I have given you. I can only say, that it could not have been intentional. And as you must be convinced, that I should not fear to support a real injury--you shall now see that I am not ashamed to atone for an inadvertency--I ask your pardon.--But for this lady, while honoured with her approbation, I will support my claim against any man whatever.

Sir ANTHONY Well said, Jack, and I'll stand by you, my boy.

ACRES Mind, I give up all my claim--I make no pretensions to any thing in the world; and if I can't get a wife without fighting for her, by my valour! I'll live a bachelor.

Sir LUCIUS Captain, give me your hand: an affront handsomely acknowledged becomes an obligation; and as for the lady, if she chooses to deny her own hand-writing, here---- [Takes out letters.]

Mrs. MALAPROP O, he will dissolve my mystery!--Sir Lucius, perhaps there's some mistake--perhaps I can illuminate----

Sir LUCIUS Pray, old gentlewoman, don't interfere where you have no business.--Miss Languish, are you my Delia, or not?

LYDIA Indeed, Sir Lucius, I am not. [Walks aside with CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.]

Mrs. MALAPROP Sir Lucius O'Trigger--ungrateful as you are--I own the soft impeachment --pardon my blushes, I am Delia.

Sir LUCIUS You Delia--pho! pho! be easy.

Mrs. MALAPROP Why, thou barbarous Vandyke--those letters are mine--When you are more sensible of my benignity--perhaps I may be brought to encourage your addresses.

Sir LUCIUS Mrs. Malaprop, I am extremely sensible of your condescension; and whether you or Lucy have put this trick on me, I am equally beholden to you.--And, to show you I am not ungrateful, Captain Absolute, since you have taken that lady from me, I'll give you my Delia into the bargain.

ABSOLUTE I am much obliged to you, Sir Lucius; but here's my friend, Fighting Bob, unprovided for.

Sir LUCIUS Hah! little Valour--here, will you make your fortune?

ACRES Odds wrinkles! No.--But give me your hand, Sir Lucius, forget and forgive; but if ever I give you a chance of pickling me again, say Bob Acres is a dunce, that's all.

Sir ANTHONY Come, Mrs. Malaprop, don't be cast down--you are in your bloom yet.

Mrs. MALAPROP O Sir Anthony--men are all barbarians.

[All retire but JULIA and FAULKLAND.]

JULIA [Aside.] He seems dejected and unhappy--not sullen; there was some foundation, however, for the tale he told me--O woman! how true should be your judgment, when your resolution is so weak!

FAULKLAND Julia!--how can I sue for what I so little deserve? I dare not presume--yet Hope is the child of Penitence.

JULIA Oh! Faulkland, you have not been more faulty in your unkind treatment of me, than I am now in wanting inclination to resent it. As my heart honestly bids me place my weakness to the account of love, I should be ungenerous not to admit the same plea for yours.

FAULKLAND Now I shall be blest indeed!

Sir ANTHONY [Coming forward.] What's going on here?--So you have been quarrelling too, I warrant! Come, Julia, I never interfered before; but let me have a hand in the matter at last.--All the faults I have ever seen in my friend Faulkland seemed to proceed from what he calls the delicacy and warmth of his affection for you--There, marry him directly, Julia; you'll find he'll mend surprisingly!

[The rest come forward.]

Sir LUCIUS Come, now, I hope there is no dissatisfied person, but what is content; for as I have been disappointed myself, it will be very hard if I have not the satisfaction of seeing other people succeed better.

ACRES You are right, Sir Lucius.--So Jack, I wish you joy--Mr. Faulkland the same.--Ladies,--come now, to show you I'm neither vexed nor angry, odds tabors and pipes! I'll order the fiddles in half an hour to the New Rooms--and I insist on your all meeting me there.

Sir ANTHONY 'Gad! sir, I like your spirit; and at night we single lads will drink a health to the young couples, and a husband to Mrs. Malaprop.

FAULKLAND Our partners are stolen from us, Jack--I hope to be congratulated by each other--yours for having checked in time the errors of an ill-directed imagination, which might have betrayed an innocent heart; and mine, for having, by her gentleness and candour, reformed the unhappy temper of one, who by it made wretched whom he loved most, and tortured the heart he ought to have adored.

ABSOLUTE Well, Jack, we have both tasted the bitters, as well as the sweets of love; with this difference only, that you always prepared the bitter cup for yourself, while I----

LYDIA Was always obliged to me for it, hey! Mr. Modesty?--But come, no more of that--our happiness is now as unalloyed as general.

JULIA Then let us study to preserve it so: and while Hope pictures to us a flattering scene of future bliss, let us deny its pencil those colours which are too bright to be lasting.--When hearts deserving happiness would unite their fortunes, Virtue would crown them with an unfading garland of modest hurtless flowers; but ill-judging Passion will force the gaudier rose into the wreath, whose thorn offends them when its leaves are dropped!

[Exeunt omnes.]

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EPILOGUE By the Author

Spoken by MRS. BULKLEY

Ladies, for you--I heard our poet say-- He'd try to coax some moral from his play: "One moral's plain," cried I, "without more fuss; Man's social happiness all rests on us: Through all the drama--whether damn'd or not-- Love gilds the scene, and women guide the plot. From every rank obedience is our due-- D'ye doubt?--The world's great stage shall prove it true." The cit, well skill'd to shun domestic strife, Will sup abroad; but first he'll ask his wife: John Trot, his friend, for once will do the same, But then--he'll just step home to tell his dame. The surly squire at noon resolves to rule, And half the day--Zounds! madam is a fool! Convinced at night, the vanquish'd victor says, Ah, Kate! you women have such coaxing ways. The jolly toper chides each tardy blade, Till reeling Bacchus calls on Love for aid: Then with each toast he sees fair bumpers swim, And kisses Chloe on the sparkling brim! Nay, I have heard that statesmen--great and wise-- Will sometimes counsel with a lady's eyes! The servile suitors watch her various face, She smiles preferment, or she frowns disgrace, Curtsies a pension here--there nods a place. Nor with less awe, in scenes of humbler life, Is view'd the mistress, or is heard the wife. The poorest peasant of the poorest soil, The child of poverty, and heir to toil, Early from radiant Love's impartial light Steals one small spark to cheer this world of night: Dear spark! that oft through winter's chilling woes Is all the warmth his little cottage knows! The wandering tar, who not for years has press'd, The widow'd partner of his day of rest, On the cold deck, far from her arms removed, Still hums the ditty which his Susan loved; And while around the cadence rude is blown, The boatswain whistles in a softer tone. The soldier, fairly proud of wounds and toil, Pants for the triumph of his Nancy's smile! But ere the battle should he list her cries, The lover trembles--and the hero dies! That heart, by war and honour steel'd to fear, Droops on a sigh, and sickens at a tear! But ye more cautious, ye nice-judging few, Who give to beauty only beauty's due, Though friends to love--ye view with deep regret Our conquests marr'd, our triumphs incomplete, Till polish'd wit more lasting charms disclose, And judgment fix the darts which beauty throws! In female breasts did sense and merit rule, The lover's mind would ask no other school; Shamed into sense, the scholars of our eyes, Our beaux from gallantry would soon be wise; Would gladly light, their homage to improve, The lamp of knowledge at the torch of love!

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