The Rivals

* * * * * * *

Scene I--ACRES' Lodgings. [ACRES and DAVID.]

DAVID Then, by the mass, sir! I would do no such thing--ne'er a Sir Lucius O'Trigger in the kingdom should make me fight, when I wasn't so minded. Oons! what will the old lady say, when she hears o't?

ACRES Ah! David, if you had heard Sir Lucius!--Odds sparks and flames! he would have roused your valour.

DAVID Not he, indeed. I hate such bloodthirsty cormorants. Look'ee, master, if you wanted a bout at boxing, quarter staff, or short-staff, I should never be the man to bid you cry off: but for your curst sharps and snaps, I never knew any good come of 'em.

ACRES But my honour, David, my honour! I must be very careful of my honour.

DAVID Ay, by the mass! and I would be very careful of it; and I think in return my honour couldn't do less than to be very careful of me.

ACRES Odds blades! David, no gentleman will ever risk the loss of his honour!

DAVID I say then, it would be but civil in honour never to risk the loss of a gentleman.--Look'ee, master, this honour seems to me to be a marvellous false friend: ay, truly, a very courtier-like servant.--Put the case, I was a gentleman (which, thank God, no one can say of me;) well--my honour makes me quarrel with another gentleman of my acquaintance.--So--we fight. (Pleasant enough that!) Boh!--I kill him--(the more's my luck!) now, pray who gets the profit of it?--Why, my honour. But put the case that he kills me!--by the mass! I go to the worms, and my honour whips over to my enemy.

ACRES No, David--in that case!--odds crowns and laurels! your honour follows you to the grave.

DAVID Now, that's just the place where I could make a shift to do without it.

ACRES Zounds! David, you are a coward!--It doesn't become my valour to listen to you.--What, shall I disgrace my ancestors?--Think of that, David--think what it would be to disgrace my ancestors!

DAVID Under favour, the surest way of not disgracing them, is to keep as long as you can out of their company. Look'ee now, master, to go to them in such haste--with an ounce of lead in your brains--I should think might as well be let alone. Our ancestors are very good kind of folks; but they are the last people I should choose to have a visiting acquaintance with.

ACRES But, David, now, you don't think there is such very, very, very great danger, hey?--Odds life! people often fight without any mischief done!

DAVID By the mass, I think 'tis ten to one against you!--Oons! here to meet some lion-headed fellow, I warrant, with his damned double-barrelled swords, and cut-and-thrust pistols!--Lord bless us! it makes me tremble to think o't--Those be such desperate bloody-minded weapons! Well, I never could abide 'em!--from a child I never could fancy 'em!--I suppose there an't been so merciless a beast in the world as your loaded pistol!

ACRES Zounds! I won't be afraid!--Odds fire and fury! you shan't make me afraid.--Here is the challenge, and I have sent for my dear friend Jack Absolute to carry it for me.

DAVID Ay, i' the name of mischief, let him be the messenger.--For my part I wouldn't lend a hand to it for the best horse in your stable. By the mass! it don't look like another letter! It is, as I may say, a designing and malicious-looking letter; and I warrant smells of gunpowder like a soldier's pouch!--Oons! I wouldn't swear it mayn't go off!

ACRES Out, you poltroon! you ha'n't the valour of a grasshopper.

DAVID Well, I say no more--'twill be sad news, to be sure, at Clod-Hall! but I ha' done.--How Phillis will howl when she hears of it!--Ay, poor bitch, she little thinks what shooting her master's going after! And I warrant old Crop, who has carried your honour, field and road, these ten years, will curse the hour he was born. [Whimpering.]

ACRES It won't do, David--I am determined to fight--so get along you coward, while I'm in the mind.

[Enter SERVANT.]

SERVANT Captain Absolute, sir.

ACRES Oh! show him up.

[Exit SERVANT.]

DAVID Well, Heaven send we be all alive this time to-morrow.

ACRES What's that?--Don't provoke me, David!

DAVID Good-bye, master. [Whimpering.]

ACRES Get along, you cowardly, dastardly, croaking raven!

[Exit DAVID.]

[Enter CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.]

ABSOLUTE What's the matter, Bob?

ACRES A vile, sheep-hearted blockhead! If I hadn't the valour of St. George and the dragon to boot----

ABSOLUTE But what did you want with me, Bob?

ACRES Oh!--There---- [Gives him the challenge.]

ABSOLUTE [Aside.] To Ensign Beverley.--So, what's going on now?--[Aloud.] Well, what's this?

ACRES A challenge!

ABSOLUTE Indeed! Why, you won't fight him; will you, Bob?

ACRES Egad, but I will, Jack. Sir Lucius has wrought me to it. He has left me full of rage--and I'll fight this evening, that so much good passion mayn't be wasted.

ABSOLUTE But what have I to do with this?

ACRES Why, as I think you know something of this fellow, I want you to find him out for me, and give him this mortal defiance.

ABSOLUTE Well, give it to me, and trust me he gets it.

ACRES Thank you, my dear friend, my dear Jack; but it is giving you a great deal of trouble.

ABSOLUTE Not in the least--I beg you won't mention it.--No trouble in the world, I assure you.

ACRES You are very kind.--What it is to have a friend!--You couldn't be my second, could you, Jack?

ABSOLUTE Why no, Bob--not in this affair--it would not be quite so proper.

ACRES Well, then, I must get my friend Sir Lucius. I shall have your good wishes, however, Jack?

ABSOLUTE Whenever he meets you, believe me.

[Re-enter SERVANT.]

SERVANT Sir Anthony Absolute is below, inquiring for the captain.

ABSOLUTE I'll come instantly.----

[Exit SERVANT.]

Well, my little hero, success attend you. [Going.]

ACRES ----Stay--stay, Jack.--If Beverley should ask you what kind of a man your friend Acres is, do tell him I am a devil of a fellow--will you, Jack?

ABSOLUTE To be sure I shall. I'll say you are a determined dog--hey, Bob!

ACRES Ah, do, do--and if that frightens him, egad, perhaps he mayn't come. So tell him I generally kill a man a week; will you, Jack?

ABSOLUTE I will, I will; I'll say you are called in the country Fighting Bob.

ACRES Right--right--'tis all to prevent mischief; for I don't want to take his life if I clear my honour.

ABSOLUTE No!--that's very kind of you.

ACRES Why, you don't wish me to kill him--do you, Jack?

ABSOLUTE No, upon my soul, I do not. But a devil of a fellow, hey? [Going.]

ACRES True, true--but stay--stay, Jack--you may add, that you never saw me in such a rage before--a most devouring rage!

ABSOLUTE I will, I will.

ACRES Remember, Jack--a determined dog!

ABSOLUTE Ay, ay, Fighting Bob!

[Exeunt severally.]

* * * * * * *

Scene II--Mrs. MALAPROP's Lodgings. [Mrs. MALAPROP and LYDIA.]

Mrs. MALAPROP Why, thou perverse one!--tell me what you can object to him? Isn't he a handsome man?--tell me that. A genteel man? a pretty figure of a man?

LYDIA [Aside.] She little thinks whom she is praising!--[Aloud.] So is Beverley, ma'am.

Mrs. MALAPROP No caparisons, miss, if you please. Caparisons don't become a young woman. No! Captain Absolute is indeed a fine gentleman!

LYDIA [Aside.] Ay, the Captain Absolute you have seen.

Mrs. MALAPROP Then he's so well bred;--so full of alacrity, and adulation!--and has so much to say for himself:--in such good language, too! His physiognomy so grammatical! Then his presence is so noble! I protest, when I saw him, I thought of what Hamlet says in the play:-- "Hesperian curls--the front of Job himself!-- An eye, like March, to threaten at command!-- A station, like Harry Mercury, new----" Something about kissing--on a hill--however, the similitude struck me directly.

LYDIA [Aside.] How enraged she'll be presently, when she discovers her mistake!

[Enter SERVANT.]

SERVANT Sir Anthony and Captain Absolute are below, ma'am.

Mrs. MALAPROP Show them up here.----

[Exit SERVANT.]

Now, Lydia, I insist on your behaving as becomes a young woman. Show your good breeding, at least, though you have forgot your duty.

LYDIA Madam, I have told you my resolution!--I shall not only give him no encouragement, but I won't even speak to, or look at him. [Flings herself into a chair, with her face from the door.]

[Enter Sir ANTHONY ABSOLUTE and CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.]

Sir ANTHONY Here we are, Mrs. Malaprop; come to mitigate the frowns of unrelenting beauty,--and difficulty enough I had to bring this fellow.--I don't know what's the matter; but if I had not held him by force, he'd have given me the slip.

Mrs. MALAPROP You have infinite trouble, Sir Anthony, in the affair. I am ashamed for the cause!--[Aside to LYDIA.] Lydia, Lydia, rise, I beseech you!--pay your respects!

Sir ANTHONY I hope, madam, that Miss Languish has reflected on the worth of this gentleman, and the regard due to her aunt's choice, and my alliance.--[Aside to CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.] Now, Jack, speak to her.

ABSOLUTE [Aside.] What the devil shall I do!--[Aside to Sir ANTHONY.] You see, sir, she won't even look at me whilst you are here. I knew she wouldn't! I told you so. Let me entreat you, sir, to leave us together! [Seems to expostulate with his father.]

LYDIA [Aside.] I wonder I ha'n't heard my aunt exclaim yet! sure she can't have looked at him!--perhaps the regimentals are alike, and she is something blind.

Sir ANTHONY I say, sir, I won't stir a foot yet!

Mrs. MALAPROP I am sorry to say, Sir Anthony, that my affluence over my niece is very small.--[Aside to LYDIA.] Turn round, Lydia: I blush for you!

Sir ANTHONY May I not flatter myself, that Miss Languish will assign what cause of dislike she can have to my son!--[Aside to CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.] Why don't you begin, Jack?--Speak, you puppy--speak!

Mrs. MALAPROP It is impossible, Sir Anthony, she can have any. She will not say she has.--[Aside to LYDIA.] Answer, hussy! why don't you answer?

Sir ANTHONY Then, madam, I trust that a childish and hasty predilection will be no bar to Jack's happiness.--[Aside to CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.] Zounds! sirrah! why don't you speak?

LYDIA [Aside.] I think my lover seems as little inclined to conversation as myself.--How strangely blind my aunt must be!

ABSOLUTE Hem! hem! madam--hem!--[Attempts to speak, then returns to Sir ANTHONY.] Faith! sir, I am so confounded!--and--so--so--confused!--I told you I should be so, sir--I knew it.--The--the--tremor of my passion entirely takes away my presence of mind.

Sir ANTHONY But it don't take away your voice, fool, does it?--Go up, and speak to her directly!

[CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE makes signs to Mrs. MALAPROP to leave them together.]

Mrs. MALAPROP Sir Anthony, shall we leave them together?--[Aside to LYDIA.] Ah! you stubborn little vixen!

Sir ANTHONY Not yet, ma'am, not yet!--[Aside to CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.] What the devil are you at? unlock your jaws, sirrah, or----

ABSOLUTE [Aside.] Now Heaven send she may be too sullen to look round!--I must disguise my voice.--[Draws near LYDIA, and speaks in a low hoarse tone.] Will not Miss Languish lend an ear to the mild accents of true love? Will not----

Sir ANTHONY What the devil ails the fellow? why don't you speak out?--not stand croaking like a frog in a quinsy!

ABSOLUTE The--the--excess of my awe, and my--my--my modesty, quite choke me!

Sir ANTHONY Ah! your modesty again!--I'll tell you what, Jack; if you don't speak out directly, and glibly too, I shall be in such a rage!--Mrs. Malaprop, I wish the lady would favour us with something more than a side-front.

[Mrs. MALAPROP seems to chide LYDIA.]

ABSOLUTE [Aside.] So all will out, I see!--[Goes up to LYDIA, speaks softly.] Be not surprised, my Lydia, suppress all surprise at present.

LYDIA [Aside.] Heavens! 'tis Beverley's voice! Sure he can't have imposed on Sir Anthony too!--[Looks round by degrees, then starts up.] Is this possible!--my Beverley!--how can this be?--my Beverley?

ABSOLUTE [Aside.] Ah! 'tis all over.

Sir ANTHONY Beverley!--the devil--Beverley!--What can the girl mean?--this is my son, Jack Absolute.

Mrs. MALAPROP For shame, hussy! for shame! your head runs so on that fellow, that you have him always in your eyes!--beg Captain Absolute's pardon directly.

LYDIA I see no Captain Absolute, but my loved Beverley!

Sir ANTHONY Zounds! the girl's mad!--her brain's turned by reading.

Mrs. MALAPROP O' my conscience, I believe so!--What do you mean by Beverley, hussy?--You saw Captain Absolute before to-day; there he is--your husband that shall be.

LYDIA With all my soul, ma'am--when I refuse my Beverley----

Sir ANTHONY Oh! she's as mad as Bedlam!--or has this fellow been playing us a rogue's trick!--Come here, sirrah, who the devil are you?

ABSOLUTE Faith, sir, I am not quite clear myself; but I'll endeavour to recollect.

Sir ANTHONY Are you my son or not?--answer for your mother, you dog, if you won't for me.

Mrs. MALAPROP Ay, sir, who are you? O mercy! I begin to suspect!----

ABSOLUTE [Aside.] Ye powers of impudence, befriend me!--[Aloud.] Sir Anthony, most assuredly I am your wife's son: and that I sincerely believe myself to be yours also, I hope my duty has always shown.--Mrs. Malaprop, I am your most respectful admirer, and shall be proud to add affectionate nephew.--I need not tell my Lydia, that she sees her faithful Beverley, who, knowing the singular generosity of her temper, assumed that name and station, which has proved a test of the most disinterested love, which he now hopes to enjoy in a more elevated character.

LYDIA [Sullenly.] So!--there will be no elopement after all!

Sir ANTHONY Upon my soul, Jack, thou art a very impudent fellow! to do you justice, I think I never saw a piece of more consummate assurance!

ABSOLUTE Oh, you flatter me, sir--you compliment--'tis my modesty, you know, sir,--my modesty that has stood in my way.

Sir ANTHONY Well, I am glad you are not the dull, insensible varlet you pretended to be, however!--I'm glad you have made a fool of your father, you dog--I am. So this was your _penitence_, your _duty_ and _obedience!_--I thought it was damned sudden!--_You never heard their names before_, not you!--_what, the Languishes of Worcestershire_, hey?--_if you could please me in the affair it was all you desired!_--Ah! you dissembling villain!--What!--[Pointing to Lydia] _She squints, don't she?--a little red-haired girl!_--hey?--Why, you hypocritical young rascal!--I wonder you ain't ashamed to hold up your head!

ABSOLUTE 'Tis with difficulty, sir.--I am confused--very much confused, as you must perceive.

Mrs. MALAPROP O Lud! Sir Anthony!--a new light breaks in upon me!--hey!--how! what! captain, did you write the letters then?--What--am I to thank you for the elegant compilation of _an old weather-beaten she-dragon_--hey!--O mercy!--was it you that reflected on my parts of speech?

ABSOLUTE Dear sir! my modesty will be overpowered at last, if you don't assist me--I shall certainly not be able to stand it!

Sir ANTHONY Come, come, Mrs. Malaprop, we must forget and forgive;--odds life! matters have taken so clever a turn all of a sudden, that I could find in my heart to be so good-humoured! and so gallant! hey! Mrs. Malaprop!

Mrs. MALAPROP Well, Sir Anthony, since you desire it, we will not anticipate the past!--so mind, young people--our retrospection will be all to the future.

Sir ANTHONY Come, we must leave them together; Mrs. Malaprop, they long to fly into each other's arms, I warrant!--Jack--isn't the cheek as I said, hey?-- and the eye, you rogue!--and the lip--hey? Come, Mrs. Malaprop, we'll not disturb their tenderness--theirs is the time of life for happiness!--_Youth's the season made for joy_--[Sings.]--hey!--Odds life! I'm in such spirits,--I don't know what I could not do!--Permit me, ma'am--[Gives his hand to Mrs. MALAPROP.] Tol-de-rol--'gad, I should like to have a little fooling myself--Tol-de-rol! de-rol.

[Exit, singing and handing Mrs. MALAPROP.--LYDIA sits sullenly in her chair.]

ABSOLUTE [Aside.] So much thought bodes me no good.--[Aloud.] So grave, Lydia!

LYDIA Sir!

ABSOLUTE [Aside.] So!--egad! I thought as much!--that damned monosyllable has froze me!--[Aloud.] What, Lydia, now that we are as happy in our friends' consent, as in our mutual vows----

LYDIA [Peevishly.] Friends' consent indeed!

ABSOLUTE Come, come, we must lay aside some of our romance--a little wealth and comfort may be endured after all. And for your fortune, the lawyers shall make such settlements as----

LYDIA Lawyers! I hate lawyers!

ABSOLUTE Nay, then, we will not wait for their lingering forms, but instantly procure the licence, and----

LYDIA The licence!--I hate licence!

ABSOLUTE Oh my love! be not so unkind!--thus let me entreat---- [Kneeling.]

LYDIA Psha!--what signifies kneeling, when you know I must have you?

ABSOLUTE [Rising.] Nay, madam, there shall be no constraint upon your inclinations, I promise you.--If I have lost your heart--I resign the rest--[Aside.] 'Gad, I must try what a little spirit will do.

LYDIA [Rising.] Then, sir, let me tell you, the interest you had there was acquired by a mean, unmanly imposition, and deserves the punishment of fraud.--What, you have been treating me like a child!--humouring my romance! and laughing, I suppose, at your success!

ABSOLUTE You wrong me, Lydia, you wrong me--only hear----

LYDIA So, while I fondly imagined we were deceiving my relations, and flattered myself that I should outwit and incense them all--behold my hopes are to be crushed at once, by my aunt's consent and approbation--and I am myself the only dupe at last!--[Walking about in a heat.] But here, sir, here is the picture--Beverley's picture! [taking a miniature from her bosom] which I have worn, night and day, in spite of threats and entreaties!--There, sir [Flings it to him.]; and be assured I throw the original from my heart as easily.

ABSOLUTE Nay, nay, ma'am, we will not differ as to that.--Here [taking out a picture], here is Miss Lydia Languish.--What a difference!--ay, there is the heavenly assenting smile that first gave soul and spirit to my hopes!--those are the lips which sealed a vow, as yet scarce dry in Cupid's calendar! and there the half-resentful blush, that would have checked the ardour of my thanks!--Well, all that's past!--all over indeed!--There, madam--in beauty, that copy is not equal to you, but in my mind its merit over the original, in being still the same, is such--that--I cannot find in my heart to part with it. [Puts it up again.]

LYDIA [Softening.] 'Tis your own doing, sir--I, I, I suppose you are perfectly satisfied.

ABSOLUTE O, most certainly--sure, now, this is much better than being in love!--ha! ha! ha!--there's some spirit in this!--What signifies breaking some scores of solemn promises:--all that's of no consequence, you know. To be sure people will say, that miss don't know her own mind--but never mind that! Or, perhaps, they may be ill-natured enough to hint, that the gentleman grew tired of the lady and forsook her--but don't let that fret you.

LYDIA There is no bearing his insolence. [Bursts into tears.]

[Re-enter Mrs. MALAPROP and Sir ANTHONY ABSOLUTE.]

Mrs. MALAPROP Come, we must interrupt your billing and cooing awhile.

LYDIA This is worse than your treachery and deceit, you base ingrate! [Sobbing.]

Sir ANTHONY What the devil's the matter now?--Zounds! Mrs. Malaprop, this is the oddest billing and cooing I ever heard!--but what the deuce is the meaning of it?--I am quite astonished!

ABSOLUTE Ask the lady, sir.

Mrs. MALAPROP O mercy!--I'm quite analyzed, for my part!--Why, Lydia, what is the reason of this?

LYDIA Ask the gentleman, ma'am.

Sir ANTHONY Zounds! I shall be in a frenzy!--Why, Jack, you are not come out to be any one else, are you?

Mrs. MALAPROP Ay, sir, there's no more trick, is there?--you are not like Cerberus, three gentlemen at once, are you?

ABSOLUTE You'll not let me speak--I say the lady can account for this much much better than I can.

LYDIA Ma'am, you once commanded me never to think of Beverley again--there is the man--I now obey you: for, from this moment, I renounce him for ever. [Exit.]

Mrs. MALAPROP O mercy! and miracles! what a turn here is--why, sure, captain, you haven't behaved disrespectfully to my niece.

Sir ANTHONY Ha! ha! ha!--ha! ha! ha!--now I see it. Ha! ha! ha!--now I see it--you have been too lively, Jack.

ABSOLUTE Nay, sir, upon my word----

Sir ANTHONY Come, no lying, Jack--I'm sure 'twas so.

Mrs. MALAPROP O Lud! Sir Anthony!--O fy, captain!

ABSOLUTE Upon my soul, ma'am----

Sir ANTHONY Come, no excuses, Jack; why, your father, you rogue, was so before you:--the blood of the Absolutes was always impatient.--Ha! ha! ha! poor little Lydia! why, you've frightened her, you dog, you have.

ABSOLUTE By all that's good, sir----

Sir ANTHONY Zounds! say no more, I tell you--Mrs. Malaprop shall make your peace. You must make his peace, Mrs. Malaprop:--you must tell her 'tis Jack's way--tell her 'tis all our ways--it runs in the blood of our family! Come away, Jack--Ha! ha! ha!--Mrs. Malaprop--a young villain! [Pushing him out.]

Mrs. MALAPROP O! Sir Anthony!--O fy, captain!

[Exeunt severally.]

* * * * * * *

Scene III--The North Parade. [Enter Sir LUCIUS O'TRIGGER.]

Sir LUCIUS I wonder where this Captain Absolute hides himself! Upon my conscience! these officers are always in one's way in love affairs:--I remember I might have married Lady Dorothy Carmine, if it had not been for a little rogue of a major, who ran away with her before she could get a sight of me! And I wonder too what it is the ladies can see in them to be so fond of them--unless it be a touch of the old serpent in 'em, that makes the little creatures be caught, like vipers, with a bit of red cloth. Ha! isn't this the captain coming?--faith it is!--There is a probability of succeeding about that fellow, that is mighty provoking! Who the devil is he talking to? [Steps aside.]

[Enter CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.]

ABSOLUTE [Aside.] To what fine purpose I have been plotting! a noble reward for all my schemes, upon my soul!--a little gipsy!--I did not think her romance could have made her so damned absurd either. 'Sdeath, I never was in a worse humour in my life!--I could cut my own throat, or any other person's, with the greatest pleasure in the world!

Sir LUCIUS Oh, faith! I'm in the luck of it. I never could have found him in a sweeter temper for my purpose--to be sure I'm just come in the nick! Now to enter into conversation with him, and so quarrel genteelly.--[Goes up to CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.] With regard to that matter, captain, I must beg leave to differ in opinion with you.

ABSOLUTE Upon my word, then, you must be a very subtle disputant:--because, sir, I happened just then to be giving no opinion at all.

Sir LUCIUS That's no reason. For give me leave to tell you, a man may think an untruth as well as speak one.

ABSOLUTE Very true, sir; but if a man never utters his thoughts, I should think they might stand a chance of escaping controversy.

Sir LUCIUS Then, sir, you differ in opinion with me, which amounts to the same thing.

ABSOLUTE Hark'ee, Sir Lucius; if I had not before known you to be a gentleman, upon my soul, I should not have discovered it at this interview: for what you can drive at, unless you mean to quarrel with me, I cannot conceive!

Sir LUCIUS I humbly thank you, sir, for the quickness of your apprehension.--[Bowing.] You have named the very thing I would be at.

ABSOLUTE Very well, sir; I shall certainly not balk your inclinations.--But I should be glad you would please to explain your motives.

Sir LUCIUS Pray, sir, be easy; the quarrel is a very pretty quarrel as it stands; we should only spoil it by trying to explain it. However, your memory is very short, or you could not have forgot an affront you passed on me within this week. So, no more, but name your time and place.

ABSOLUTE Well, sir, since you are so bent on it, the sooner the better; let it be this evening--here, by the Spring Gardens. We shall scarcely be interrupted.

Sir LUCIUS Faith! that same interruption in affairs of this nature shows very great ill-breeding. I don't know what's the reason, but in England if a thing of this kind gets wind, people make such a pother, that a gentleman can never fight in peace and quietness. However, if it's the same to you, captain, I should take it as a particular kindness if you'd let us meet in King's-Mead-Fields, as a little business will call me there about six o'clock, and I may despatch both matters at once.

ABSOLUTE 'Tis the same to me exactly. A little after six, then, we will discuss this matter more seriously.

Sir LUCIUS If you please, sir; there will be very pretty small-sword light, though it won't do for a long shot. So that matter's settled, and my mind's at ease! [Exit.]

[Enter FAULKLAND.]

ABSOLUTE Well met! I was going to look for you. O Faulkland! all the demons of spite and disappointment have conspired against me! I'm so vex'd, that if I had not the prospect of a resource in being knocked o' the head by-and-by, I should scarce have spirits to tell you the cause.

FAULKLAND What can you mean?--Has Lydia changed her mind?--I should have thought her duty and inclination would now have pointed to the same object.

ABSOLUTE Ay, just as the eyes do of a person who squints: when her love-eye was fixed on me, t'other, her eye of duty, was finely obliqued: but when duty bid her point that the same way, off t'other turned on a swivel, and secured its retreat with a frown!

FAULKLAND But what's the resource you----

ABSOLUTE Oh, to wind up the whole, a good-natured Irishman here has--[Mimicking Sir LUCIUS] begged leave to have the pleasure of cutting my throat; and I mean to indulge him--that's all.

FAULKLAND Prithee, be serious!

ABSOLUTE 'Tis fact, upon my soul! Sir Lucius O'Trigger--you know him by sight--for some affront, which I am sure I never intended, has obliged me to meet him this evening at six o'clock: 'tis on that account I wished to see you; you must go with me.

FAULKLAND Nay, there must be some mistake, sure. Sir Lucius shall explain himself, and I dare say matters may be accommodated. But this evening did you say? I wish it had been any other time.

ABSOLUTE Why? there will be light enough: there will (as Sir Lucius says) be very pretty small-sword light, though it will not do for a long shot. Confound his long shots.

FAULKLAND But I am myself a good deal ruffled by a difference I have had with Julia. My vile tormenting temper has made me treat her so cruelly, that I shall not be myself till we are reconciled.

ABSOLUTE By heavens! Faulkland, you don't deserve her!

[Enter SERVANT, gives FAULKLAND a letter, and exit.]

FAULKLAND Oh, Jack! this is from Julia. I dread to open it! I fear it may be to take a last leave!--perhaps to bid me return her letters, and restore--Oh, how I suffer for my folly!

ABSOLUTE Here, let me see.--[Takes the letter and opens it.] Ay, a final sentence, indeed!--'tis all over with you, faith!

FAULKLAND Nay, Jack, don't keep me in suspense!

ABSOLUTE Here then--[Reads.] _As I am convinced that my dear Faulkland's own reflections have already upbraided him for his last unkindness to me, I will not add a word on the subject. I wish to speak with you as soon as possible. Yours ever and truly,_ Julia. There's stubbornness and resentment for you!--[Gives him the letter.] Why, man, you don't seem one whit the happier at this!

FAULKLAND O yes, I am; but--but----

ABSOLUTE Confound your buts! you never hear any thing that would make another man bless himself, but you immediately damn it with a but!

FAULKLAND Now, Jack, as you are my friend, own honestly--don't you think there is something forward, something indelicate, in this haste to forgive? Women should never sue for reconciliation: that should always come from us. They should retain their coldness till wooed to kindness; and their pardon, like their love, should "not unsought be won."

ABSOLUTE I have not patience to listen to you! thou'rt incorrigible! so say no more on the subject. I must go to settle a few matters. Let me see you before six, remember, at my lodgings. A poor industrious devil like me, who have toiled, and drudged, and plotted to gain my ends, and am at last disappointed by other people's folly, may in pity be allowed to swear and grumble a little; but a captious sceptic in love, a slave to fretfulness and whim, who has no difficulties but of his own creating, is a subject more fit for ridicule than compassion! [Exit.]

FAULKLAND I feel his reproaches; yet I would not change this too exquisite nicety for the gross content with which he tramples on the thorns of love! His engaging me in this duel has started an idea in my head, which I will instantly pursue. I'll use it as the touchstone of Julia's sincerity and disinterestedness. If her love prove pure and sterling ore, my name will rest on it with honour; and once I've stamped it there, I lay aside my doubts for ever! But if the dross of selfishness, the alloy of pride, predominate, 'twill be best to leave her as a toy for some less cautious fool to sigh for! [Exit.]

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