The Rivals

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Scene I--The North Parade. [Enter CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.]

ABSOLUTE 'Tis just as Fag told me, indeed. Whimsical enough, faith! My father wants to force me to marry the very girl I am plotting to run away with! He must not know of my connection with her yet awhile. He has too summary a method of proceeding in these matters. However, I'll read my recantation instantly. My conversion is something sudden, indeed--but I can assure him it is very sincere. So, so--here he comes. He looks plaguy gruff. [Steps aside.]

[Enter Sir ANTHONY ABSOLUTE.]

Sir ANTHONY No--I'll die sooner than forgive him. Die, did I say? I'll live these fifty years to plague him. At our last meeting, his impudence had almost put me out of temper. An obstinate, passionate, self-willed boy! Who can he take after? This is my return for getting him before all his brothers and sisters!--for putting him, at twelve years old, into a marching regiment, and allowing him fifty pounds a year, besides his pay, ever since! But I have done with him; he's anybody's son for me. I never will see him more, never--never--never.

ABSOLUTE [Aside, coming forward.] Now for a penitential face.

Sir ANTHONY Fellow, get out of my way!

ABSOLUTE Sir, you see a penitent before you.

Sir ANTHONY I see an impudent scoundrel before me.

ABSOLUTE A sincere penitent. I am come, sir, to acknowledge my error, and to submit entirely to your will.

Sir ANTHONY What's that?

ABSOLUTE I have been revolving, and reflecting, and considering on your past goodness, and kindness, and condescension to me.

Sir ANTHONY Well, sir?

ABSOLUTE I have been likewise weighing and balancing what you were pleased to mention concerning duty, and obedience, and authority.

Sir ANTHONY Well, puppy?

ABSOLUTE Why then, sir, the result of my reflections is--a resolution to sacrifice every inclination of my own to your satisfaction.

Sir ANTHONY Why now you talk sense--absolute sense--I never heard anything more sensible in my life. Confound you! you shall be Jack again.

ABSOLUTE I am happy in the appellation.

Sir ANTHONY Why then, Jack, my dear Jack, I will now inform you who the lady really is. Nothing but your passion and violence, you silly fellow, prevented my telling you at first. Prepare, Jack, for wonder and rapture--prepare. What think you of Miss Lydia Languish?

ABSOLUTE Languish! What, the Languishes of Worcestershire?

Sir ANTHONY Worcestershire! no. Did you never meet Mrs. Malaprop and her niece, Miss Languish, who came into our country just before you were last ordered to your regiment?

ABSOLUTE Malaprop! Languish! I don't remember ever to have heard the names before. Yet, stay--I think I do recollect something. Languish! Languish! She squints, don't she? A little red-haired girl?

Sir ANTHONY Squints! A red-haired girl! Zounds! no.

ABSOLUTE Then I must have forgot; it can't be the same person.

Sir ANTHONY Jack! Jack! what think you of blooming, love-breathing seventeen?

ABSOLUTE As to that, sir, I am quite indifferent. If I can please you in the matter, 'tis all I desire.

Sir ANTHONY Nay, but Jack, such eyes! such eyes! so innocently wild! so bashfully irresolute! not a glance but speaks and kindles some thought of love! Then, Jack, her cheeks! her cheeks, Jack! so deeply blushing at the insinuations of her tell-tale eyes! Then, Jack, her lips! O, Jack, lips smiling at their own discretion; and if not smiling, more sweetly pouting; more lovely in sullenness!

ABSOLUTE [Aside.] That's she, indeed. Well done, old gentleman.

Sir ANTHONY Then, Jack, her neck! O Jack! Jack!

ABSOLUTE And which is to be mine, sir, the niece, or the aunt?

Sir ANTHONY Why, you unfeeling, insensible puppy, I despise you! When I was of your age, such a description would have made me fly like a rocket! The aunt indeed! Odds life! when I ran away with your mother, I would not have touched anything old or ugly to gain an empire.

ABSOLUTE Not to please your father, sir?

Sir ANTHONY To please my father! zounds! not to please--Oh, my father--odd so!--yes--yes; if my father indeed had desired--that's quite another matter. Though he wa'n't the indulgent father that I am, Jack.

ABSOLUTE I dare say not, sir.

Sir ANTHONY But, Jack, you are not sorry to find your mistress is so beautiful?

ABSOLUTE Sir, I repeat it--if I please you in this affair, 'tis all I desire. Not that I think a woman the worse for being handsome; but, sir, if you please to recollect, you before hinted something about a hump or two, one eye, and a few more graces of that kind--now, without being very nice, I own I should rather choose a wife of mine to have the usual number of limbs, and a limited quantity of back: and though one eye may be very agreeable, yet as the prejudice has always run in favour of two, I would not wish to affect a singularity in that article.

Sir ANTHONY What a phlegmatic sot it is! Why, sirrah, you're an anchorite!--a vile, insensible stock. You a soldier!--you're a walking block, fit only to dust the company's regimentals on! Odds life! I have a great mind to marry the girl myself!

ABSOLUTE I am entirely at your disposal, sir: if you should think of addressing Miss Languish yourself, I suppose you would have me marry the aunt; or if you should change your mind, and take the old lady--'tis the same to me--I'll marry the niece.

Sir ANTHONY Upon my word, Jack, thou'rt either a very great hypocrite, or--but, come, I know your indifference on such a subject must be all a lie--I'm sure it must--come, now--damn your demure face!--come, confess Jack--you have been lying, ha'n't you? You have been playing the hypocrite, hey!--I'll never forgive you, if you ha'n't been lying and playing the hypocrite.

ABSOLUTE I'm sorry, sir, that the respect and duty which I bear to you should be so mistaken.

Sir ANTHONY Hang your respect and duty! But come along with me, I'll write a note to Mrs. Malaprop, and you shall visit the lady directly. Her eyes shall be the Promethean torch to you--come along, I'll never forgive you, if you don't come back stark mad with rapture and impatience--if you don't, egad, I will marry the girl myself!

[Exeunt.]

* * * * * * *

Scene II--JULIA's Dressing-room. [FAULKLAND discovered alone.]

FAULKLAND They told me Julia would return directly; I wonder she is not yet come! How mean does this captious, unsatisfied temper of mine appear to my cooler judgment! Yet I know not that I indulge it in any other point: but on this one subject, and to this one subject, whom I think I love beyond my life, I am ever ungenerously fretful and madly capricious! I am conscious of it--yet I cannot correct myself! What tender honest joy sparkled in her eyes when we met! how delicate was the warmth of her expression! I was ashamed to appear less happy--though I had come resolved to wear a face of coolness and upbraiding. Sir Anthony's presence prevented my proposed expostulations: yet I must be satisfied that she has not been so very happy in my absence. She is coming! Yes!--I know the nimbleness of her tread, when she thinks her impatient Faulkland counts the moments of her stay.

[Enter JULIA.]

JULIA I had not hoped to see you again so soon.

FAULKLAND Could I, Julia, be contented with my first welcome--restrained as we were by the presence of a third person?

JULIA O Faulkland, when your kindness can make me thus happy, let me not think that I discovered something of coldness in your first salutation.

FAULKLAND 'Twas but your fancy, Julia. I was rejoiced to see you--to see you in such health. Sure I had no cause for coldness?

JULIA Nay, then, I see you have taken something ill. You must not conceal from me what it is.

FAULKLAND Well, then--shall I own to you that my joy at hearing of your health and arrival here, by your neighbour Acres, was somewhat damped by his dwelling much on the high spirits you had enjoyed in Devonshire--on your mirth--your singing--dancing, and I know not what! For such is my temper, Julia, that I should regard every mirthful moment in your absence as a treason to constancy. The mutual tear that steals down the cheek of parting lovers is a compact, that no smile shall live there till they meet again.

JULIA Must I never cease to tax my Faulkland with this teasing minute caprice? Can the idle reports of a silly boor weigh in your breast against my tried affections?

FAULKLAND They have no weight with me, Julia: No, no--I am happy if you have been so--yet only say, that you did not sing with mirth--say that you thought of Faulkland in the dance.

JULIA I never can be happy in your absence. If I wear a countenance of content, it is to show that my mind holds no doubt of my Faulkland's truth. If I seemed sad, it were to make malice triumph; and say, that I had fixed my heart on one, who left me to lament his roving, and my own credulity. Believe me, Faulkland, I mean not to upbraid you, when I say, that I have often dressed sorrow in smiles, lest my friends should guess whose unkindness had caused my tears.

FAULKLAND You were ever all goodness to me. Oh, I am a brute, when I but admit a doubt of your true constancy!

JULIA If ever without such cause from you, as I will not suppose possible, you find my affections veering but a point, may I become a proverbial scoff for levity and base ingratitude.

FAULKLAND Ah! Julia, that last word is grating to me. I would I had no title to your gratitude! Search your heart, Julia; perhaps what you have mistaken for love, is but the warm effusion of a too thankful heart.

JULIA For what quality must I love you?

FAULKLAND For no quality! To regard me for any quality of mind or understanding, were only to esteem me. And for person--I have often wished myself deformed, to be convinced that I owed no obligation there for any part of your affection.

JULIA Where nature has bestowed a show of nice attention in the features of a man, he should laugh at it as misplaced. I have seen men, who in this vain article, perhaps, might rank above you; but my heart has never asked my eyes if it were so or not.

FAULKLAND Now this is not well from you, Julia--I despise person in a man--yet if you loved me as I wish, though I were an AEthiop, you'd think none so fair.

JULIA I see you are determined to be unkind! The contract which my poor father bound us in gives you more than a lover's privilege.

FAULKLAND Again, Julia, you raise ideas that feed and justify my doubts. I would not have been more free--no--I am proud of my restraint. Yet--yet--perhaps your high respect alone for this solemn compact has fettered your inclinations, which else had made a worthier choice. How shall I be sure, had you remained unbound in thought and promise, that I should still have been the object of your persevering love?

JULIA Then try me now. Let us be free as strangers as to what is past: my heart will not feel more liberty!

FAULKLAND There now! so hasty, Julia! so anxious to be free! If your love for me were fixed and ardent, you would not lose your hold, even though I wished it!

JULIA Oh! you torture me to the heart! I cannot bear it.

FAULKLAND I do not mean to distress you. If I loved you less I should never give you an uneasy moment. But hear me. All my fretful doubts arise from this. Women are not used to weigh and separate the motives of their affections: the cold dictates of prudence, gratitude, or filial duty, may sometimes be mistaken for the pleadings of the heart. I would not boast--yet let me say, that I have neither age, person, nor character, to found dislike on; my fortune such as few ladies could be charged with indiscretion in the match. O Julia! when love receives such countenance from prudence, nice minds will be suspicious of its birth.

JULIA I know not whither your insinuations would tend:--but as they seem pressing to insult me, I will spare you the regret of having done so.--I have given you no cause for this! [Exit in tears.]

FAULKLAND In tears! Stay, Julia: stay but for a moment.--The door is fastened!--Julia!--my soul--but for one moment!--I hear her sobbing!--'Sdeath! what a brute am I to use her thus! Yet stay!--Ay--she is coming now:--how little resolution there is in a woman!--how a few soft words can turn them!--No, faith!--she is not coming either.--Why, Julia--my love--say but that you forgive me--come but to tell me that--now this is being too resentful. Stay! she is coming too--I thought she would--no steadiness in anything: her going away must have been a mere trick then--she shan't see that I was hurt by it.--I'll affect indifference--[Hums a tune; then listens.] No--zounds! she's not coming!--nor don't intend it, I suppose.--This is not steadiness, but obstinacy! Yet I deserve it.--What, after so long an absence to quarrel with her tenderness!--'twas barbarous and unmanly!--I should be ashamed to see her now.--I'll wait till her just resentment is abated--and when I distress her so again, may I lose her for ever! and be linked instead to some antique virago, whose gnawing passions, and long hoarded spleen, shall make me curse my folly half the day and all the night. [Exit.]

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Scene III--Mrs. MALAPROP's Lodgings. [Mrs. MALAPROP, with a letter in her hand, and CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.]

Mrs. MALAPROP Your being Sir Anthony's son, captain, would itself be a sufficient accommodation; but from the ingenuity of your appearance, I am convinced you deserve the character here given of you.

ABSOLUTE Permit me to say, madam, that as I never yet have had the pleasure of seeing Miss Languish, my principal inducement in this affair at present is the honour of being allied to Mrs. Malaprop; of whose intellectual accomplishments, elegant manners, and unaffected learning, no tongue is silent.

Mrs. MALAPROP Sir, you do me infinite honour! I beg, captain, you'll be seated.--[They sit.] Ah! few gentlemen, now-a-days, know how to value the ineffectual qualities in a woman! few think how a little knowledge becomes a gentlewoman!--Men have no sense now but for the worthless flower of beauty!

ABSOLUTE It is but too true, indeed, ma'am;--yet I fear our ladies should share the blame--they think our admiration of beauty so great, that knowledge in them would be superfluous. Thus, like garden-trees, they seldom show fruit, till time has robbed them of the more specious blossom.--Few, like Mrs. Malaprop and the orange-tree, are rich in both at once!

Mrs. MALAPROP Sir, you overpower me with good-breeding.--He is the very pine-apple of politeness!--You are not ignorant, captain, that this giddy girl has somehow contrived to fix her affections on a beggarly, strolling, eaves-dropping ensign, whom none of us have seen, and nobody knows anything of.

ABSOLUTE Oh, I have heard the silly affair before.--I'm not at all prejudiced against her on that account.

Mrs. MALAPROP You are very good and very considerate, captain. I am sure I have done everything in my power since I exploded the affair; long ago I laid my positive conjunctions on her, never to think on the fellow again;--I have since laid Sir Anthony's preposition before her; but, I am sorry to say, she seems resolved to decline every particle that I enjoin her.

ABSOLUTE It must be very distressing, indeed, ma'am.

Mrs. MALAPROP Oh! it gives me the hydrostatics to such a degree.--I thought she had persisted from corresponding with him; but, behold, this very day, I have interceded another letter from the fellow; I believe I have it in my pocket.

ABSOLUTE [Aside.] Oh, the devil! my last note.

Mrs. MALAPROP Ay, here it is.

ABSOLUTE [Aside.] Ay, my note indeed! O the little traitress Lucy.

Mrs. MALAPROP There, perhaps you may know the writing. [Gives him the letter.]

ABSOLUTE I think I have seen the hand before--yes, I certainly must have seen this hand before----

Mrs. MALAPROP Nay, but read it, captain.

ABSOLUTE [Reads.] _My soul's idol, my adored Lydia!_--Very tender, indeed!

Mrs. MALAPROP Tender! ay, and profane too, o' my conscience.

ABSOLUTE [Reads.] _I am excessively alarmed at the intelligence you send me, the more so as my new rival_----

Mrs. MALAPROP That's you, sir.

ABSOLUTE [Reads.] _Has universally the character of being an accomplished gentleman and a man of honour._--Well, that's handsome enough.

Mrs. MALAPROP Oh, the fellow has some design in writing so.

ABSOLUTE That he had, I'll answer for him, ma'am.

Mrs. MALAPROP But go on, sir--you'll see presently.

ABSOLUTE [Reads.] _As for the old weather-beaten she-dragon who guards you_--Who can he mean by that?

Mrs. MALAPROP Me, sir!--me!--he means me!--There--what do you think now?--but go on a little further.

ABSOLUTE Impudent scoundrel!--[Reads.] _it shall go hard but I will elude her vigilance, as I am told that the same ridiculous vanity, which makes her dress up her coarse features, and deck her dull chat with hard words which she don't understand_----

Mrs. MALAPROP There, sir, an attack upon my language! what do you think of that?--an aspersion upon my parts of speech! was ever such a brute! Sure, if I reprehend any thing in this world, it is the use of my oracular tongue, and a nice derangement of epitaphs!

ABSOLUTE He deserves to be hanged and quartered! let me see--[Reads.] _same ridiculous vanity_----

Mrs. MALAPROP You need not read it again, sir.

ABSOLUTE I beg pardon, ma'am.--[Reads.] _does also lay her open to the grossest deceptions from flattery and pretended admiration_--an impudent coxcomb!--_so that I have a scheme to see you shortly with the old harridan's consent, and even to make her a go-between in our interview._--Was ever such assurance!

Mrs. MALAPROP Did you ever hear anything like it?--he'll elude my vigilance, will he--yes, yes! ha! ha! he's very likely to enter these doors;--we'll try who can plot best!

ABSOLUTE So we will, ma'am--so we will! Ha! ha! ha! a conceited puppy, ha! ha! ha!--Well, but Mrs. Malaprop, as the girl seems so infatuated by this fellow, suppose you were to wink at her corresponding with him for a little time--let her even plot an elopement with him--then do you connive at her escape--while I, just in the nick, will have the fellow laid by the heels, and fairly contrive to carry her off in his stead.

Mrs. MALAPROP I am delighted with the scheme; never was anything better perpetrated!

ABSOLUTE But, pray, could not I see the lady for a few minutes now?--I should like to try her temper a little.

Mrs. MALAPROP Why, I don't know--I doubt she is not prepared for a visit of this kind. There is a decorum in these matters.

ABSOLUTE O Lord! she won't mind me--only tell her Beverley----

Mrs. MALAPROP Sir!

ABSOLUTE [Aside.] Gently, good tongue.

Mrs. MALAPROP What did you say of Beverley?

ABSOLUTE Oh, I was going to propose that you should tell her, by way of jest, that it was Beverley who was below; she'd come down fast enough then--ha! ha! ha!

Mrs. MALAPROP 'Twould be a trick she well deserves; besides, you know the fellow tells her he'll get my consent to see her--ha! ha! Let him if he can, I say again. Lydia, come down here!--[Calling.] He'll make me a go-between in their interviews!--ha! ha! ha! Come down, I say, Lydia! I don't wonder at your laughing, ha! ha! ha! his impudence is truly ridiculous.

ABSOLUTE 'Tis very ridiculous, upon my soul, ma'am, ha! ha! ha!

Mrs. MALAPROP The little hussy won't hear. Well, I'll go and tell her at once who it is--she shall know that Captain Absolute is come to wait on her. And I'll make her behave as becomes a young woman.

ABSOLUTE As you please, ma'am.

Mrs. MALAPROP For the present, captain, your servant. Ah! you've not done laughing yet, I see--elude my vigilance; yes, yes; ha! ha! ha! [Exit.]

ABSOLUTE Ha! ha! ha! one would think now that I might throw off all disguise at once, and seize my prize with security; but such is Lydia's caprice, that to undeceive were probably to lose her. I'll see whether she knows me. [Walks aside, and seems engaged in looking at the pictures.]

[Enter LYDIA.]

LYDIA What a scene am I now to go through! surely nothing can be more dreadful than to be obliged to listen to the loathsome addresses of a stranger to one's heart. I have heard of girls persecuted as I am, who have appealed in behalf of their favoured lover to the generosity of his rival--suppose I were to try it--there stands the hated rival--an officer too!--but oh, how unlike my Beverley! I wonder he don't begin--truly he seems a very negligent wooer!--quite at his ease, upon my word!--I'll speak first--Mr. Absolute.

ABSOLUTE Ma'am. [Turns round.]

LYDIA O heavens! Beverley!

ABSOLUTE Hush;--hush, my life! softly! be not surprised!

LYDIA I am so astonished! and so terrified! and so overjoyed!--for Heaven's sake! how came you here?

ABSOLUTE Briefly, I have deceived your aunt--I was informed that my new rival was to visit here this evening, and contriving to have him kept away, have passed myself on her for Captain Absolute.

LYDIA O charming! And she really takes you for young Absolute?

ABSOLUTE Oh, she's convinced of it.

LYDIA Ha! ha! ha! I can't forbear laughing to think how her sagacity is overreached!

ABSOLUTE But we trifle with our precious moments--such another opportunity may not occur; then let me now conjure my kind, my condescending angel, to fix the time when I may rescue her from undeserving persecution, and with a licensed warmth plead for my reward.

LYDIA Will you then, Beverley, consent to forfeit that portion of my paltry wealth?--that burden on the wings of love?

ABSOLUTE Oh, come to me--rich only thus--in loveliness! Bring no portion to me but thy love--'twill be generous in you, Lydia--for well you know, it is the only dower your poor Beverley can repay.

LYDIA [Aside.] How persuasive are his words!--how charming will poverty be with him!

ABSOLUTE Ah! my soul, what a life will we then live! Love shall be our idol and support! we will worship him with a monastic strictness; abjuring all worldly toys, to centre every thought and action there. Proud of calamity, we will enjoy the wreck of wealth; while the surrounding gloom of adversity shall make the flame of our pure love show doubly bright. By Heavens! I would fling all goods of fortune from me with a prodigal hand, to enjoy the scene where I might clasp my Lydia to my bosom, and say, the world affords no smile to me but here--[Embracing her.] [Aside.] If she holds out now, the devil is in it!

LYDIA [Aside.] Now could I fly with him to the antipodes! but my persecution is not yet come to a crisis.

[Re-enter Mrs. MALAPROP, listening.]

Mrs. MALAPROP [Aside.] I am impatient to know how the little hussy deports herself.

ABSOLUTE So pensive, Lydia!--is then your warmth abated?

Mrs. MALAPROP [Aside.] Warmth abated!--so!--she has been in a passion, I suppose.

LYDIA No--nor ever can while I have life.

Mrs. MALAPROP [Aside.] An ill tempered little devil! She'll be in a passion all her life--will she?

LYDIA Think not the idle threats of my ridiculous aunt can ever have any weight with me.

Mrs. MALAPROP [Aside.] Very dutiful, upon my word!

LYDIA Let her choice be Captain Absolute, but Beverley is mine.

Mrs. MALAPROP [Aside.] I am astonished at her assurance!--to his face--this is to his face!

ABSOLUTE Thus then let me enforce my suit. [Kneeling.]

Mrs. MALAPROP [Aside.] Ay, poor young man!--down on his knees entreating for pity!--I can contain no longer.--[Coming forward.] Why, thou vixen!--I have overheard you.

ABSOLUTE [Aside.] Oh, confound her vigilance!

Mrs. MALAPROP Captain Absolute, I know not how to apologize for her shocking rudeness.

ABSOLUTE [Aside.] So all's safe, I find.--[Aloud.] I have hopes, madam, that time will bring the young lady----

Mrs. MALAPROP Oh, there's nothing to be hoped for from her! she's as headstrong as an allegory on the banks of Nile.

LYDIA Nay, madam, what do you charge me with now?

Mrs. MALAPROP Why, thou unblushing rebel--didn't you tell this gentleman to his face that you loved another better?--didn't you say you never would be his?

LYDIA No, madam--I did not.

Mrs. MALAPROP Good heavens! what assurance!--Lydia, Lydia, you ought to know that lying don't become a young woman!--Didn't you boast that Beverley, that stroller Beverley, possessed your heart?--Tell me that, I say.

LYDIA 'Tis true, ma'am, and none but Beverley----

Mrs. MALAPROP Hold!--hold, Assurance!--you shall not be so rude.

ABSOLUTE Nay, pray, Mrs. Malaprop, don't stop the young lady's speech: she's very welcome to talk thus--it does not hurt me in the least, I assure you.

Mrs. MALAPROP You are too good, captain--too amiably patient--but come with me, miss.--Let us see you again soon, captain--remember what we have fixed.

ABSOLUTE I shall, ma'am.

Mrs. MALAPROP Come, take a graceful leave of the gentleman.

LYDIA May every blessing wait on my Beverley, my loved Bev----

Mrs. MALAPROP Hussy! I'll choke the word in your throat!--come along--come along.

[Exeunt severally; CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE kissing his hand to LYDIA--Mrs. MALAPROP stopping her from speaking.]

* * * * * * *

Scene IV--ACRES' Lodgings. [ACRES, as just dressed, and DAVID.]

ACRES Indeed, David--do you think I become it so?

DAVID You are quite another creature, believe me, master, by the mass! an' we've any luck we shall see the Devon mon kerony in all the print-shops in Bath!

ACRES Dress does make a difference, David.

DAVID 'Tis all in all, I think.--Difference! why, an' you were to go now to Clod-Hall, I am certain the old lady wouldn't know you: Master Butler wouldn't believe his own eyes, and Mrs. Pickle would cry, Lard presarve me! our dairy-maid would come giggling to the door, and I warrant Dolly Tester, your honour's favourite, would blush like my waistcoat.--Oons! I'll hold a gallon, there ain't a dog in the house but would bark, and I question whether Phillis would wag a hair of her tail!

ACRES Ay, David, there's nothing like polishing.

DAVID So I says of your honour's boots; but the boy never heeds me!

ACRES But, David, has Mr. De-la-grace been here? I must rub up my balancing, and chasing, and boring.

DAVID I'll call again, sir.

ACRES Do--and see if there are any letters for me at the post-office.

DAVID I will.--By the mass, I can't help looking at your head!--if I hadn't been by at the cooking, I wish I may die if I should have known the dish again myself! [Exit.]

ACRES [Practising a dancing-step.] Sink, slide--coupee.--Confound the first inventors of cotillions! say I--they are as bad as algebra to us country gentlemen--I can walk a minuet easy enough when I am forced!--and I have been accounted a good stick in a country-dance.--Odds jigs and tabors! I never valued your cross-over to couple--figure in--right and left--and I'd foot it with e'er a captain in the county!--but these outlandish heathen allemandes and cotillions are quite beyond me!--I shall never prosper at 'em, that's sure--mine are true-born English legs--they don't understand their curst French lingo!--their _pas_ this, and _pas_ that, and _pas_ t'other!--damn me! my feet don't like to be called paws! no, 'tis certain I have most Antigallican toes!

[Enter SERVANT.]

SERVANT Here is Sir Lucius O'Trigger to wait on you, sir.

ACRES Show him in.

[Exit SERVANT.]

[Enter Sir LUCIUS O'TRIGGER.]

Sir LUCIUS Mr. Acres, I am delighted to embrace you.

ACRES My dear Sir Lucius, I kiss your hands.

Sir LUCIUS Pray, my friend, what has brought you so suddenly to Bath?

ACRES Faith! I have followed Cupid's Jack-a-lantern, and find myself in a quagmire at last.--In short, I have been very ill used, Sir Lucius.--I don't choose to mention names, but look on me as on a very ill-used gentleman.

Sir LUCIUS Pray what is the case?--I ask no names.

ACRES Mark me, Sir Lucius, I fall as deep as need be in love with a young lady--her friends take my part--I follow her to Bath--send word of my arrival; and receive answer, that the lady is to be otherwise disposed of.--This, Sir Lucius, I call being ill-used.

Sir LUCIUS Very ill, upon my conscience.--Pray, can you divine the cause of it?

ACRES Why, there's the matter; she has another lover, one Beverley, who, I am told, is now in Bath.--Odds slanders and lies! he must be at the bottom of it.

Sir LUCIUS A rival in the case, is there?--and you think he has supplanted you unfairly?

ACRES Unfairly! to be sure he has. He never could have done it fairly.

Sir LUCIUS Then sure you know what is to be done!

ACRES Not I, upon my soul!

Sir LUCIUS We wear no swords here, but you understand me.

ACRES What! fight him!

Sir LUCIUS Ay, to be sure: what can I mean else?

ACRES But he has given me no provocation.

Sir LUCIUS Now, I think he has given you the greatest provocation in the world. Can a man commit a more heinous offence against another than to fall in love with the same woman? Oh, by my soul! it is the most unpardonable breach of friendship.

ACRES Breach of friendship! ay, ay; but I have no acquaintance with this man. I never saw him in my life.

Sir LUCIUS That's no argument at all--he has the less right then to take such a liberty.

ACRES Gad, that's true--I grow full of anger, Sir Lucius!--I fire apace! Odds hilts and blades! I find a man may have a deal of valour in him, and not know it! But couldn't I contrive to have a little right of my side?

Sir LUCIUS What the devil signifies right, when your honour is concerned? Do you think Achilles, or my little Alexander the Great, ever inquired where the right lay? No, by my soul, they drew their broad-swords, and left the lazy sons of peace to settle the justice of it.

ACRES Your words are a grenadier's march to my heart! I believe courage must be catching! I certainly do feel a kind of valour rising as it were--a kind of courage, as I may say.--Odds flints, pans, and triggers! I'll challenge him directly.

Sir LUCIUS Ah, my little friend, if I had Blunderbuss Hall here, I could show you a range of ancestry, in the O'Trigger line, that would furnish the new room; every one of whom had killed his man!--For though the mansion-house and dirty acres have slipped through my fingers, I thank heaven our honour and the family-pictures are as fresh as ever.

ACRES O, Sir Lucius! I have had ancestors too!--every man of 'em colonel or captain in the militia!--Odds balls and barrels! say no more--I'm braced for it. The thunder of your words has soured the milk of human kindness in my breast;--Zounds! as the man in the play says, _I could do such deeds!_

Sir LUCIUS Come, come, there must be no passion at all in the case--these things should always be done civilly.

ACRES I must be in a passion, Sir Lucius--I must be in a rage.--Dear Sir Lucius, let me be in a rage, if you love me. Come, here's pen and paper.--[Sits down to write.] I would the ink were red!--Indite, I say, indite!--How shall I begin? Odds bullets and blades! I'll write a good bold hand, however.

Sir LUCIUS Pray compose yourself.

ACRES Come--now, shall I begin with an oath? Do, Sir Lucius, let me begin with a damme.

Sir LUCIUS Pho! pho! do the thing decently, and like a Christian. Begin now--_Sir ----_

ACRES That's too civil by half.

Sir LUCIUS _To prevent the confusion that might arise----_

ACRES Well----

Sir LUCIUS _From our both addressing the same lady----_

ACRES Ay, there's the reason--_same_ lady--well----

Sir LUCIUS _I shall expect the honour of your company----_

ACRES Zounds! I'm not asking him to dinner.

Sir LUCIUS Pray be easy.

ACRES Well, then, _honour of your company----_

Sir LUCIUS _To settle our pretensions----_

ACRES Well.

Sir LUCIUS Let me see, ay, King's-Mead-Fields will do--_in King's-Mead-Fields._

ACRES So, that's done--Well, I'll fold it up presently; my own crest--a hand and dagger shall be the seal.

Sir LUCIUS You see now this little explanation will put a stop at once to all confusion or misunderstanding that might arise between you.

ACRES Ay, we fight to prevent any misunderstanding.

Sir LUCIUS Now, I'll leave you to fix your own time.--Take my advice, and you'll decide it this evening if you can; then let the worst come of it, 'twill be off your mind to-morrow.

ACRES Very true.

Sir LUCIUS So I shall see nothing of you, unless it be by letter, till the evening.--I would do myself the honour to carry your message; but, to tell you a secret, I believe I shall have just such another affair on my own hands. There is a gay captain here, who put a jest on me lately, at the expense of my country, and I only want to fall in with the gentleman, to call him out.

ACRES By my valour, I should like to see you fight first! Odds life! I should like to see you kill him if it was only to get a little lesson.

Sir LUCIUS I shall be very proud of instructing you.--Well for the present--but remember now, when you meet your antagonist, do every thing in a mild and agreeable manner.--Let your courage be as keen, but at the same time as polished, as your sword.

[Exeunt severally.]

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