The Rivals

* * * * * * *

Scene I.--CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE's Lodgings. [CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE and FAG.]

FAG Sir, while I was there Sir Anthony came in: I told him you had sent me to inquire after his health, and to know if he was at leisure to see you.

ABSOLUTE And what did he say, on hearing I was at Bath?

FAG Sir, in my life I never saw an elderly gentleman more astonished! He started back two or three paces, rapped out a dozen interjectural oaths, and asked, what the devil had brought you here.

ABSOLUTE Well, sir, and what did you say?

FAG Oh, I lied, sir--I forgot the precise lie; but you may depend on't, he got no truth from me. Yet, with submission, for fear of blunders in future, I should be glad to fix what has brought us to Bath; in order that we may lie a little consistently. Sir Anthony's servants were curious, sir, very curious indeed.

ABSOLUTE You have said nothing to them?

FAG Oh, not a word, sir,--not a word! Mr. Thomas, indeed, the coachman (whom I take to be the discreetest of whips)----

ABSOLUTE 'Sdeath!--you rascal! you have not trusted him!

FAG Oh, no, sir--no--no--not a syllable, upon my veracity!--He was, indeed, a little inquisitive; but I was sly, sir--devilish sly! My master (said I), honest Thomas (you know, sir, one says honest to one's inferiors,) is come to Bath to recruit--Yes, sir, I said to recruit--and whether for men, money, or constitution, you know, sir, is nothing to him, nor any one else.

ABSOLUTE Well, recruit will do--let it be so.

FAG Oh, sir, recruit will do surprisingly--indeed, to give the thing an air, I told Thomas, that your honour had already enlisted five disbanded chairmen, seven minority waiters, and thirteen billiard-markers.

ABSOLUTE You blockhead, never say more than is necessary.

FAG I beg pardon, sir--I beg pardon--but, with submission, a lie is nothing unless one supports it. Sir, whenever I draw on my invention for a good current lie, I always forge indorsements as well as the bill.

ABSOLUTE Well, take care you don't hurt your credit, by offering too much security.--Is Mr. Faulkland returned?

FAG He is above, sir, changing his dress.

ABSOLUTE Can you tell whether he has been informed of Sir Anthony and Miss Melville's arrival?

FAG I fancy not, sir; he has seen no one since he came in but his gentleman, who was with him at Bristol.--I think, sir, I hear Mr. Faulkland coming down----

ABSOLUTE Go, tell him I am here.

FAG Yes, sir.--[Going.] I beg pardon, sir, but should Sir Anthony call, you will do me the favour to remember that we are recruiting, if you please.

ABSOLUTE Well, well.

FAG And, in tenderness to my character, if your honour could bring in the chairmen and waiters, I should esteem it as an obligation; for though I never scruple a lie to serve my master, yet it hurts one's conscience to be found out. [Exit.]

ABSOLUTE Now for my whimsical friend--if he does not know that his mistress is here, I'll tease him a little before I tell him----

[Enter FAULKLAND.]

Faulkland, you're welcome to Bath again; you are punctual in your return.

FAULKLAND Yes; I had nothing to detain me, when I had finished the business I went on. Well, what news since I left you? how stand matters between you and Lydia?

ABSOLUTE Faith, much as they were; I have not seen her since our quarrel; however, I expect to be recalled every hour.

FAULKLAND Why don't you persuade her to go off with you at once?

ABSOLUTE What, and lose two-thirds of her fortune? you forget that, my friend.--No, no, I could have brought her to that long ago.

FAULKLAND Nay then, you trifle too long--if you are sure of her, propose to the aunt in your own character, and write to Sir Anthony for his consent.

ABSOLUTE Softly, softly; for though I am convinced my little Lydia would elope with me as Ensign Beverley, yet am I by no means certain that she would take me with the impediment of our friends' consent, a regular humdrum wedding, and the reversion of a good fortune on my side: no, no; I must prepare her gradually for the discovery, and make myself necessary to her, before I risk it.--Well, but Faulkland, you'll dine with us to-day at the hotel?

FAULKLAND Indeed I cannot; I am not in spirits to be of such a party.

ABSOLUTE By heavens! I shall forswear your company. You are the most teasing, captious, incorrigible lover!--Do love like a man.

FAULKLAND I own I am unfit for company.

ABSOLUTE Am I not a lover; ay, and a romantic one too? Yet do I carry every where with me such a confounded farrago of doubts, fears, hopes, wishes, and all the flimsy furniture of a country miss's brain!

FAULKLAND Ah! Jack, your heart and soul are not, like mine, fixed immutably on one only object. You throw for a large stake, but losing, you could stake and throw again;--but I have set my sum of happiness on this cast, and not to succeed, were to be stripped of all.

ABSOLUTE But, for heaven's sake! what grounds for apprehension can your whimsical brain conjure up at present?

FAULKLAND What grounds for apprehension, did you say? Heavens! are there not a thousand! I fear for her spirits--her health--her life!--My absence may fret her; her anxiety for my return, her fears for me may oppress her gentle temper: and for her health, does not every hour bring me cause to be alarmed? If it rains, some shower may even then have chilled her delicate frame! If the wind be keen, some rude blast may have affected her! The heat of noon, the dews of the evening, may endanger the life of her, for whom only I value mine. O Jack! when delicate and feeling souls are separated, there is not a feature in the sky, not a movement of the elements, not an aspiration of the breeze, but hints some cause for a lover's apprehension!

ABSOLUTE Ay, but we may choose whether we will take the hint or not.--So, then, Faulkland, if you were convinced that Julia were well and in spirits, you would be entirely content?

FAULKLAND I should be happy beyond measure--I am anxious only for that.

ABSOLUTE Then to cure your anxiety at once--Miss Melville is in perfect health, and is at this moment in Bath.

FAULKLAND Nay, Jack--don't trifle with me.

ABSOLUTE She is arrived here with my father within this hour.

FAULKLAND Can you be serious?

ABSOLUTE I thought you knew Sir Anthony better than to be surprised at a sudden whim of this kind.--Seriously, then, it is as I tell you--upon my honour.

FAULKLAND My dear friend!--Hollo, Du-Peigne! my hat.--My dear Jack--now nothing on earth can give me a moment's uneasiness.

[Re-enter FAG.]

FAG Sir, Mr. Acres, just arrived, is below.

ABSOLUTE Stay, Faulkland, this Acres lives within a mile of Sir Anthony, and he shall tell you how your mistress has been ever since you left her.--Fag, show this gentleman up.

[Exit FAG.]

FAULKLAND What, is he much acquainted in the family?

ABSOLUTE Oh, very intimate: I insist on your not going: besides, his character will divert you.

FAULKLAND Well, I should like to ask him a few questions.

ABSOLUTE He is likewise a rival of mine--that is, of my other self's, for he does not think his friend Captain Absolute ever saw the lady in question; and it is ridiculous enough to hear him complain to me of one Beverley, a concealed skulking rival, who----

FAULKLAND Hush!--he's here.

[Enter ACRES.]

ACRES Ha! my dear friend, noble captain, and honest Jack, how do'st thou? just arrived, faith, as you see.--Sir, your humble servant.--Warm work on the roads, Jack!--Odds whips and wheels! I've travelled like a comet, with a tail of dust all the way as long as the Mall.

ABSOLUTE Ah! Bob, you are indeed an eccentric planet, but we know your attraction hither.--Give me leave to introduce Mr. Faulkland to you; Mr. Faulkland, Mr. Acres.

ACRES Sir, I am most heartily glad to see you: sir, I solicit your connections.--Hey, Jack--what, this is Mr. Faulkland, who----

ABSOLUTE Ay, Bob, Miss Melville's Mr. Faulkland.

ACRES Odso! she and your father can be but just arrived before me:--I suppose you have seen them. Ah! Mr. Faulkland, you are indeed a happy man.

FAULKLAND I have not seen Miss Melville yet, sir;--I hope she enjoyed full health and spirits in Devonshire?

ACRES Never knew her better in my life, sir,--never better. Odds blushes and blooms! she has been as healthy as the German Spa.

FAULKLAND Indeed! I did hear that she had been a little indisposed.

ACRES False, false, sir--only said to vex you: quite the reverse, I assure you.

FAULKLAND There, Jack, you see she has the advantage of me; I had almost fretted myself ill.

ABSOLUTE Now are you angry with your mistress for not having been sick?

FAULKLAND No, no, you misunderstand me: yet surely a little trifling indisposition is not an unnatural consequence of absence from those we love.--Now confess--isn't there something unkind in this violent, robust, unfeeling health?

ABSOLUTE Oh, it was very unkind of her to be well in your absence, to be sure!

ACRES Good apartments, Jack.

FAULKLAND Well, sir, but you was saying that Miss Melville has been so exceedingly well--what then she has been merry and gay, I suppose?--Always in spirits--hey?

ACRES Merry, odds crickets! she has been the belle and spirit of the company wherever she has been--so lively and entertaining! so full of wit and humour!

FAULKLAND There, Jack, there.--Oh, by my soul! there is an innate levity in woman, that nothing can overcome.--What! happy, and I away!

ABSOLUTE Have done.--How foolish this is! just now you were only apprehensive for your mistress' spirits.

FAULKLAND Why, Jack, have I been the joy and spirit of the company?

ABSOLUTE No, indeed, you have not.

FAULKLAND Have I been lively and entertaining?

ABSOLUTE Oh, upon my word, I acquit you.

FAULKLAND Have I been full of wit and humour?

ABSOLUTE No, faith, to do you justice, you have been confoundedly stupid indeed.

ACRES What's the matter with the gentleman?

ABSOLUTE He is only expressing his great satisfaction at hearing that Julia has been so well and happy--that's all--hey, Faulkland?

FAULKLAND Oh! I am rejoiced to hear it--yes, yes, she has a happy disposition!

ACRES That she has indeed--then she is so accomplished--so sweet a voice--so expert at her harpsichord--such a mistress of flat and sharp, squallante, rumblante, and quiverante!--There was this time month--odds minims and crotchets! how she did chirrup at Mrs. Piano's concert!

FAULKLAND There again, what say you to this? you see she has been all mirth and song--not a thought of me!

ABSOLUTE Pho! man, is not music the food of love?

FAULKLAND Well, well, it may be so.--Pray, Mr.--, what's his damned name?--Do you remember what songs Miss Melville sung?

ACRES Not I indeed.

ABSOLUTE Stay, now, they were some pretty melancholy purling-stream airs, I warrant; perhaps you may recollect;--did she sing, _When absent from my soul's delight_?

ACRES No, that wa'n't it.

ABSOLUTE Or, _Go, gentle gales_! [Sings.]

ACRES Oh, no! nothing like it. Odds! now I recollect one of them--_My heart's my own, my will is free_. [Sings.]

FAULKLAND Fool! fool that I am! to fix all my happiness on such a trifler! 'Sdeath! to make herself the pipe and ballad-monger of a circle! to soothe her light heart with catches and glees!--What can you say to this, sir?

ABSOLUTE Why, that I should be glad to hear my mistress had been so merry, sir.

FAULKLAND Nay, nay, nay--I'm not sorry that she has been happy--no, no, I am glad of that--I would not have had her sad or sick--yet surely a sympathetic heart would have shown itself even in the choice of a song--she might have been temperately healthy, and somehow, plaintively gay;--but she has been dancing too, I doubt not!

ACRES What does the gentleman say about dancing?

ABSOLUTE He says the lady we speak of dances as well as she sings.

ACRES Ay, truly, does she--there was at our last race ball----

FAULKLAND Hell and the devil! There!--there--I told you so! I told you so! Oh! she thrives in my absence!--Dancing! but her whole feelings have been in opposition with mine;--I have been anxious, silent, pensive, sedentary--my days have been hours of care, my nights of watchfulness.--She has been all health! spirit! laugh! song! dance!--Oh! damned, damned levity!

ABSOLUTE For Heaven's sake, Faulkland, don't expose yourself so!--Suppose she has danced, what then?--does not the ceremony of society often oblige ----

FAULKLAND Well, well, I'll contain myself--perhaps as you say--for form sake.--What, Mr. Acres, you were praising Miss Melville's manner of dancing a minuet--hey?

ACRES Oh, I dare insure her for that--but what I was going to speak of was her country-dancing. Odds swimmings! she has such an air with her!

FAULKLAND Now disappointment on her!--Defend this, Absolute; why don't you defend this?--Country-dances! jigs and reels! am I to blame now? A minuet I could have forgiven--I should not have minded that--I say I should not have regarded a minuet--but country-dances!--Zounds! had she made one in a cotillion--I believe I could have forgiven even that--but to be monkey-led for a night!--to run the gauntlet through a string of amorous palming puppies!--to show paces like a managed filly!--Oh, Jack, there never can be but one man in the world whom a truly modest and delicate woman ought to pair with in a country-dance; and, even then, the rest of the couples should be her great-uncles and aunts!

ABSOLUTE Ay, to be sure!--grandfathers and grandmothers!

FAULKLAND If there be but one vicious mind in the set, 'twill spread like a contagion--the action of their pulse beats to the lascivious movement of the jig--their quivering, warm-breathed sighs impregnate the very air--the atmosphere becomes electrical to love, and each amorous spark darts through every link of the chain!--I must leave you--I own I am somewhat flurried--and that confounded looby has perceived it. [Going.]

ABSOLUTE Nay, but stay, Faulkland, and thank Mr. Acres for his good news.

FAULKLAND Damn his news! [Exit.]

ABSOLUTE Ha! ha! ha! poor Faulkland five minutes since--"nothing on earth could give him a moment's uneasiness!"

ACRES The gentleman wa'n't angry at my praising his mistress, was he?

ABSOLUTE A little jealous, I believe, Bob.

ACRES You don't say so? Ha! ha! jealous of me--that's a good joke.

ABSOLUTE There's nothing strange in that, Bob; let me tell you, that sprightly grace and insinuating manner of yours will do some mischief among the girls here.

ACRES Ah! you joke--ha! ha! mischief--ha! ha! but you know I am not my own property, my dear Lydia has forestalled me. She could never abide me in the country, because I used to dress so badly--but odds frogs and tambours! I shan't take matters so here, now ancient madam has no voice in it: I'll make my old clothes know who's master. I shall straightway cashier the hunting-frock, and render my leather breeches incapable. My hair has been in training some time.

ABSOLUTE Indeed!

ACRES Ay--and tho'ff the side curls are a little restive, my hind-part takes it very kindly.

ABSOLUTE Ah, you'll polish, I doubt not.

ACRES Absolutely I propose so--then if I can find out this Ensign Beverley, odds triggers and flints! I'll make him know the difference o't.

ABSOLUTE Spoke like a man! But pray, Bob, I observe you have got an odd kind of a new method of swearing----

ACRES Ha! ha! you've taken notice of it--'tis genteel, isn't it!--I didn't invent it myself though; but a commander in our militia, a great scholar, I assure you, says that there is no meaning in the common oaths, and that nothing but their antiquity makes them respectable;--because, he says, the ancients would never stick to an oath or two, but would say, by Jove! or by Bacchus! or by Mars! or by Venus! or by Pallas, according to the sentiment: so that to swear with propriety, says my little major, the oath should be an echo to the sense; and this we call the _oath referential_, or _sentimental swearing_--ha! ha! 'tis genteel, isn't it?

ABSOLUTE Very genteel, and very new, indeed!--and I dare say will supplant all other figures of imprecation.

ACRES Ay, ay, the best terms will grow obsolete.--Damns have had their day.

[Re-enter FAG.]

FAG Sir, there is a gentleman below desires to see you.--Shall I show him into the parlour?

ABSOLUTE Ay--you may.

ACRES Well, I must be gone----

ABSOLUTE Stay; who is it, Fag?

FAG Your father, sir.

ABSOLUTE You puppy, why didn't you show him up directly?

[Exit FAG.]

ACRES You have business with Sir Anthony.--I expect a message from Mrs. Malaprop at my lodgings. I have sent also to my dear friend Sir Lucius O'Trigger. Adieu, Jack! we must meet at night, when you shall give me a dozen bumpers to little Lydia.

ABSOLUTE That I will with all my heart.----

[Exit ACRES.]

Now for a parental lecture--I hope he has heard nothing of the business that brought me here--I wish the gout had held him fast in Devonshire, with all my soul!

[Enter Sir ANTHONY ABSOLUTE.]

Sir I am delighted to see you here; looking so well! your sudden arrival at Bath made me apprehensive for your health.

Sir ANTHONY Very apprehensive, I dare say, Jack.--What, you are recruiting here, hey?

ABSOLUTE Yes, sir, I am on duty.

Sir ANTHONY Well, Jack, I am glad to see you, though I did not expect it, for I was going to write to you on a little matter of business.--Jack, I have been considering that I grow old and infirm, and shall probably not trouble you long.

ABSOLUTE Pardon me, sir, I never saw you look more strong and hearty; and I pray frequently that you may continue so.

Sir ANTHONY I hope your prayers may be heard, with all my heart. Well, then, Jack, I have been considering that I am so strong and hearty I may continue to plague you a long time. Now, Jack, I am sensible that the income of your commission, and what I have hitherto allowed you, is but a small pittance for a lad of your spirit.

ABSOLUTE Sir, you are very good.

Sir ANTHONY And it is my wish, while yet I live, to have my boy make some figure in the world. I have resolved, therefore, to fix you at once in a noble independence.

ABSOLUTE Sir, your kindness overpowers me--such generosity makes the gratitude of reason more lively than the sensations even of filial affection.

Sir ANTHONY I am glad you are so sensible of my attention--and you shall be master of a large estate in a few weeks.

ABSOLUTE Let my future life, sir, speak my gratitude; I cannot express the sense I have of your munificence.--Yet, sir, I presume you would not wish me to quit the army?

Sir ANTHONY Oh, that shall be as your wife chooses.

ABSOLUTE My wife, sir!

Sir ANTHONY Ay, ay, settle that between you--settle that between you.

ABSOLUTE A wife, sir, did you say?

Sir ANTHONY Ay, a wife--why, did not I mention her before?

ABSOLUTE Not a word of her, sir.

Sir ANTHONY Odd so!--I mustn't forget her though.--Yes, Jack, the independence I was talking of is by marriage--the fortune is saddled with a wife--but I suppose that makes no difference.

ABSOLUTE Sir! sir!--you amaze me!

Sir ANTHONY Why, what the devil's the matter with the fool? Just now you were all gratitude and duty.

ABSOLUTE I was, sir,--you talked to me of independence and a fortune, but not a word of a wife.

Sir ANTHONY Why--what difference does that make? Odds life, sir! if you have the estate, you must take it with the live stock on it, as it stands.

ABSOLUTE If my happiness is to be the price, I must beg leave to decline the purchase.--Pray, sir, who is the lady?

Sir ANTHONY What's that to you, sir?--Come, give me your promise to love, and to marry her directly.

ABSOLUTE Sure, sir, this is not very reasonable, to summon my affections for a lady I know nothing of!

Sir ANTHONY I am sure, sir, 'tis more unreasonable in you to object to a lady you know nothing of.

ABSOLUTE Then, sir, I must tell you plainly that my inclinations are fixed on another--my heart is engaged to an angel.

Sir ANTHONY Then pray let it send an excuse. It is very sorry--but business prevents its waiting on her.

ABSOLUTE But my vows are pledged to her.

Sir ANTHONY Let her foreclose, Jack; let her foreclose; they are not worth redeeming; besides, you have the angel's vows in exchange, I suppose; so there can be no loss there.

ABSOLUTE You must excuse me, sir, if I tell you, once for all, that in this point I cannot obey you.

Sir ANTHONY Hark'ee, Jack;--I have heard you for some time with patience--I have been cool--quite cool; but take care--you know I am compliance itself--when I am not thwarted;--no one more easily led--when I have my own way;--but don't put me in a frenzy.

ABSOLUTE Sir, I must repeat it--in this I cannot obey you.

Sir ANTHONY Now damn me! if ever I call you Jack again while I live!

ABSOLUTE Nay, sir, but hear me.

Sir ANTHONY Sir, I won't hear a word--not a word! not one word! so give me your promise by a nod--and I'll tell you what, Jack--I mean, you dog--if you don't, by----

ABSOLUTE What, sir, promise to link myself to some mass of ugliness! to----

Sir ANTHONY Zounds! sirrah! the lady shall be as ugly as I choose: she shall have a hump on each shoulder; she shall be as crooked as the crescent; her one eye shall roll like the bull's in Cox's Museum; she shall have a skin like a mummy, and the beard of a Jew--she shall be all this, sirrah!--yet I will make you ogle her all day, and sit up all night to write sonnets on her beauty.

ABSOLUTE This is reason and moderation indeed!

Sir ANTHONY None of your sneering, puppy! no grinning, jackanapes!

ABSOLUTE Indeed, sir, I never was in a worse humour for mirth in my life.

Sir ANTHONY 'Tis false, sir, I know you are laughing in your sleeve; I know you'll grin when I am gone, sirrah!

ABSOLUTE Sir, I hope I know my duty better.

Sir ANTHONY None of your passion, sir! none of your violence, if you please!--It won't do with me, I promise you.

ABSOLUTE Indeed, sir, I never was cooler in my life.

Sir ANTHONY 'Tis a confounded lie!--I know you are in a passion in your heart; I know you are, you hypocritical young dog! but it won't do.

ABSOLUTE Nay, sir, upon my word----

Sir ANTHONY So you will fly out! can't you be cool like me? What the devil good can passion do?--Passion is of no service, you impudent, insolent, overbearing reprobate!--There, you sneer again! don't provoke me!--but you rely upon the mildness of my temper--you do, you dog! you play upon the meekness of my disposition!--Yet take care--the patience of a saint may be overcome at last!--but mark! I give you six hours and a half to consider of this: if you then agree, without any condition, to do every thing on earth that I choose, why--confound you! I may in time forgive you.--If not, zounds! don't enter the same hemisphere with me! don't dare to breathe the same air, or use the same light with me; but get an atmosphere and a sun of your own! I'll strip you of your commission; I'll lodge a five-and-threepence in the hands of trustees, and you shall live on the interest.--I'll disown you, I'll disinherit you, I'll unget you! and damn me! if ever I call you Jack again! [Exit.]

ABSOLUTE Mild, gentle, considerate father--I kiss your hands!--What a tender method of giving his opinion in these matters Sir Anthony has! I dare not trust him with the truth.--I wonder what old wealthy hag it is that he wants to bestow on me!--Yet he married himself for love! and was in his youth a bold intriguer, and a gay companion!

[Re-enter FAG.]

FAG Assuredly, sir, your father is wrath to a degree; he comes down stairs eight or ten steps at a time--muttering, growling, and thumping the banisters all the way: I and the cook's dog stand bowing at the door--rap! he gives me a stroke on the head with his cane; bids me carry that to my master; then kicking the poor turnspit into the area, damns us all, for a puppy triumvirate!--Upon my credit, sir, were I in your place, and found my father such very bad company, I should certainly drop his acquaintance.

ABSOLUTE Cease your impertinence, sir, at present.--Did you come in for nothing more?--Stand out of the way! [Pushes him aside, and exit.]

FAG So! Sir Anthony trims my master; he is afraid to reply to his father--then vents his spleen on poor Fag!--When one is vexed by one person, to revenge one's self on another, who happens to come in the way, is the vilest injustice! Ah! it shows the worst temper--the basest----

[Enter BOY.]

BOY Mr. Fag! Mr. Fag! your master calls you.

FAG Well, you little dirty puppy, you need not bawl so!--The meanest disposition! the----

BOY Quick, quick, Mr. Fag!

FAG Quick! quick! you impudent jackanapes! am I to be commanded by you too? you little impertinent, insolent, kitchen-bred---- [Exit kicking and beating him.]

* * * * * * *

Scene II.--The North Parade. [Enter LUCY.]

LUCY So--I shall have another rival to add to my mistress's list--Captain Absolute. However, I shall not enter his name till my purse has received notice in form. Poor Acres is dismissed!--Well, I have done him a last friendly office, in letting him know that Beverley was here before him.--Sir Lucius is generally more punctual, when he expects to hear from his _dear Delia_, as he calls her: I wonder he's not here!--I have a little scruple of conscience from this deceit; though I should not be paid so well, if my hero knew that Delia was near fifty, and her own mistress.

[Enter Sir LUCIUS O'TRIGGER.]

Sir LUCIUS Ha! my little ambassadress--upon my conscience, I have been looking for you; I have been on the South Parade this half hour.

LUCY [Speaking simply.] O gemini! and I have been waiting for your worship here on the North.

Sir LUCIUS Faith!--may be that was the reason we did not meet; and it is very comical too, how you could go out and I not see you--for I was only taking a nap at the Parade Coffee-house, and I chose the window on purpose that I might not miss you.

LUCY My stars! Now I'd wager a sixpence I went by while you were asleep.

Sir LUCIUS Sure enough it must have been so--and I never dreamt it was so late, till I waked. Well, but my little girl, have you got nothing for me?

LUCY Yes, but I have--I've got a letter for you in my pocket.

Sir LUCIUS O faith! I guessed you weren't come empty-handed--Well--let me see what the dear creature says.

LUCY There, Sir Lucius. [Gives him a letter.]

Sir LUCIUS [Reads.] _Sir--there is often a sudden incentive impulse in love, that has a greater induction than years of domestic combination: such was the commotion I felt at the first superfluous view of Sir Lucius O'Trigger._--Very pretty, upon my word.--_Female punctuation forbids me to say more, yet let me add, that it will give me joy infallible to find Sir Lucius worthy the last criterion of my affections. Delia._ Upon my conscience! Lucy, your lady is a great mistress of language. Faith, she's quite the queen of the dictionary!--for the devil a word dare refuse coming at her call--though one would think it was quite out of hearing.

LUCY Ay, sir, a lady of her experience----

Sir LUCIUS Experience! what, at seventeen?

LUCY O true, sir--but then she reads so--my stars! how she will read off hand!

Sir LUCIUS Faith, she must be very deep read to write this way--though she is rather an arbitrary writer too--for here are a great many poor words pressed into the service of this note, that would get their _habeas corpus_ from any court in Christendom.

LUCY Ah! Sir Lucius, if you were to hear how she talks of you!

Sir LUCIUS Oh, tell her I'll make her the best husband in the world, and Lady O'Trigger into the bargain!--But we must get the old gentlewoman's consent--and do every thing fairly.

LUCY Nay, Sir Lucius, I thought you wa'n't rich enough to be so nice!

Sir LUCIUS Upon my word, young woman, you have hit it:--I am so poor, that I can't afford to do a dirty action.--If I did not want money, I'd steal your mistress and her fortune with a great deal of pleasure.--However, my pretty girl, [Gives her money] here's a little something to buy you a ribbon; and meet me in the evening, and I'll give you an answer to this. So, hussy, take a kiss beforehand to put you in mind. [Kisses her.]

LUCY O Lud! Sir Lucius--I never seed such a gemman! My lady won't like you if you're so impudent.

Sir LUCIUS Faith she will, Lucy!--That same--pho! what's the name of it?--modesty--is a quality in a lover more praised by the women than liked; so, if your mistress asks you whether Sir Lucius ever gave you a kiss, tell her fifty--my dear.

LUCY What, would you have me tell her a lie?

Sir LUCIUS Ah, then, you baggage! I'll make it a truth presently.

LUCY For shame now! here is some one coming.

Sir LUCIUS Oh, faith, I'll quiet your conscience! [Exit, humming a tune.]

[Enter FAG.]

FAG So, so, ma'am! I humbly beg pardon.

LUCY O Lud! now, Mr. Fag--you flurry one so.

FAG Come, come, Lucy, here's no one by--so a little less simplicity, with a grain or two more sincerity, if you please.--You play false with us, madam.--I saw you give the baronet a letter.--My master shall know this--and if he don't call him out, I will.

LUCY Ha! ha! ha! you gentlemen's gentlemen are so hasty.--That letter was from Mrs. Malaprop, simpleton.--She is taken with Sir Lucius's address.

FAG How! what tastes some people have!--Why, I suppose I have walked by her window a hundred times.--But what says our young lady? any message to my master?

LUCY Sad news. Mr. Fag.--A worse rival than Acres! Sir Anthony Absolute has proposed his son.

FAG What, Captain Absolute?

LUCY Even so--I overheard it all.

FAG Ha! ha! ha! very good, faith. Good-bye, Lucy, I must away with this news.

LUCY Well, you may laugh--but it is true, I assure you.--[Going.] But, Mr. Fag, tell your master not to be cast down by this.

FAG Oh, he'll be so disconsolate!

LUCY And charge him not to think of quarrelling with young Absolute.

FAG Never fear! never fear!

LUCY Be sure--bid him keep up his spirits.

FAG We will--we will.

[Exeunt severally.]

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