The Rivals

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Scene I.--A street. [Enter THOMAS; he crosses the stage; FAG follows, looking after him.]

FAG What! Thomas! sure 'tis he?--What! Thomas! Thomas!

THOMAS Hey!--Odd's life! Mr. Fag!--give us your hand, my old fellow-servant.

FAG Excuse my glove, Thomas:--I'm devilish glad to see you, my lad. Why, my prince of charioteers, you look as hearty!--but who the deuce thought of seeing you in Bath?

THOMAS Sure, master, Madam Julia, Harry, Mrs. Kate, and the postillion, be all come.

FAG Indeed!

THOMAS Ay, master thought another fit of the gout was coming to make him a visit;--so he'd a mind to gi't the slip, and whip! we were all off at an hour's warning.

FAG Ay, ay, hasty in every thing, or it would not be Sir Anthony Absolute!

THOMAS But tell us, Mr. Fag, how does young master? Odd! Sir Anthony will stare to see the Captain here!

FAG I do not serve Captain Absolute now.

THOMAS Why sure!

FAG At present I am employed by Ensign Beverley.

THOMAS I doubt, Mr. Fag, you ha'n't changed for the better.

FAG I have not changed, Thomas.

THOMAS No! Why didn't you say you had left young master?

FAG No.--Well, honest Thomas, I must puzzle you no farther:--briefly then--Captain Absolute and Ensign Beverley are one and the same person.

THOMAS The devil they are!

FAG So it is indeed, Thomas; and the ensign half of my master being on guard at present--the captain has nothing to do with me.

THOMAS So, so!--What, this is some freak, I warrant!--Do tell us, Mr. Fag, the meaning o't--you know I ha' trusted you.

FAG You'll be secret, Thomas?

THOMAS As a coach-horse.

FAG Why then the cause of all this is--Love,--Love, Thomas, who (as you may get read to you) has been a masquerader ever since the days of Jupiter.

THOMAS Ay, ay;--I guessed there was a lady in the case:--but pray, why does your master pass only for ensign?--Now if he had shammed general indeed----

FAG Ah! Thomas, there lies the mystery o' the matter. Hark'ee, Thomas, my master is in love with a lady of a very singular taste: a lady who likes him better as a half pay ensign than if she knew he was son and heir to Sir Anthony Absolute, a baronet of three thousand a year.

THOMAS That is an odd taste indeed!--But has she got the stuff, Mr. Fag? Is she rich, hey?

FAG Rich!--Why, I believe she owns half the stocks! Zounds! Thomas, she could pay the national debt as easily as I could my washerwoman! She has a lapdog that eats out of gold,--she feeds her parrot with small pearls,--and all her thread-papers are made of bank-notes!

THOMAS Bravo, faith!--Odd! I warrant she has a set of thousands at least:--but does she draw kindly with the captain?

FAG As fond as pigeons.

THOMAS May one hear her name?

FAG Miss Lydia Languish.--But there is an old tough aunt in the way; though, by-the-by, she has never seen my master--for we got acquainted with miss while on a visit in Gloucestershire.

THOMAS Well--I wish they were once harnessed together in matrimony.--But pray, Mr. Fag, what kind of a place is this Bath?--I ha' heard a deal of it--here's a mort o' merrymaking, hey?

FAG Pretty well, Thomas, pretty well--'tis a good lounge; in the morning we go to the pump-room (though neither my master nor I drink the waters); after breakfast we saunter on the parades, or play a game at billiards; at night we dance; but damn the place, I'm tired of it: their regular hours stupify me--not a fiddle nor a card after eleven!--However, Mr. Faulkland's gentleman and I keep it up a little in private parties;--I'll introduce you there, Thomas--you'll like him much.

THOMAS Sure I know Mr. Du-Peigne--you know his master is to marry Madam Julia.

FAG I had forgot.--But, Thomas, you must polish a little--indeed you must.--Here now--this wig!--What the devil do you do with a wig, Thomas?--None of the London whips of any degree of _ton_ wear wigs now.

THOMAS More's the pity! more's the pity! I say.--Odd's life! when I heard how the lawyers and doctors had took to their own hair, I thought how 'twould go next:--odd rabbit it! when the fashion had got foot on the bar, I guessed 'twould mount to the box!--but 'tis all out of character, believe me, Mr. Fag: and look'ee, I'll never gi' up mine--the lawyers and doctors may do as they will.

FAG Well, Thomas, we'll not quarrel about that.

THOMAS Why, bless you, the gentlemen of the professions ben't all of a mind--for in our village now, thoff Jack Gauge, the exciseman, has ta'en to his carrots, there's little Dick the farrier swears he'll never forsake his bob, though all the college should appear with their own heads!

FAG Indeed! well said, Dick!--But hold--mark! mark! Thomas.

THOMAS Zooks! 'tis the captain.--Is that the Lady with him?

FAG No, no, that is Madam Lucy, my master's mistress's maid. They lodge at that house--but I must after him to tell him the news.

THOMAS Odd! he's giving her money!--Well, Mr. Fag----

FAG Good-bye, Thomas. I have an appointment in Gyde's porch this evening at eight; meet me there, and we'll make a little party.

[Exeunt severally.]

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Scene II.--A Dressing-room in Mrs. MALAPROP's Lodgings. [LYDIA sitting on a sofa, with a book in her hand. Lucy, as just returned from a message.]

LUCY Indeed, ma'am, I traversed half the town in search of it: I don't believe there's a circulating library in Bath I ha'n't been at.

LYDIA And could not you get _The Reward of Constancy_?

LUCY No, indeed, ma'am.

LYDIA Nor _The Fatal Connexion_?

LUCY No, indeed, ma'am.

LYDIA Nor _The Mistakes of the Heart_?

LUCY Ma'am, as ill luck would have it, Mr. Bull said Miss Sukey Saunter had just fetched it away.

LYDIA Heigh-ho!--Did you inquire for _The Delicate Distress_?

LUCY Or, _The Memoirs of Lady Woodford_? Yes, indeed, ma'am. I asked every where for it; and I might have brought it from Mr. Frederick's, but Lady Slattern Lounger, who had just sent it home, had so soiled and dog's-eared it, it wa'n't fit for a Christian to read.

LYDIA Heigh-ho!--Yes, I always know when Lady Slattern has been before me. She has a most observing thumb; and, I believe, cherishes her nails for the convenience of making marginal notes.--Well, child, what have you brought me?

LUCY Oh! here, ma'am.--[Taking books from under her cloak, and from her pockets.] This is _The Gordian Knot_,--and this _Peregrine Pickle_. Here are _The Tears of Sensibility_, and _Humphrey Clinker_. This is _The Memoirs of a Lady of Quality, written by herself_, and here the second volume of _The Sentimental Journey_.

LYDIA Heigh-ho!--What are those books by the glass?

LUCY The great one is only _The Whole Duty of Man_, where I press a few blonds, ma'am.

LYDIA Very well--give me the sal volatile.

LUCY Is it in a blue cover, ma'am?

LYDIA My smelling-bottle, you simpleton!

LUCY Oh, the drops!--here, ma'am.

LYDIA Hold!--here's some one coming--quick, see who it is.----

[Exit LUCY.]

Surely I heard my cousin Julia's voice.

[Re-enter LUCY.]

LUCY Lud! ma'am, here is Miss Melville.

LYDIA Is it possible!----

[Exit LUCY.]

[Enter JULIA.]

LYDIA My dearest Julia, how delighted am I!--[Embrace.] How unexpected was this happiness!

JULIA True, Lydia--and our pleasure is the greater.--But what has been the matter?--you were denied to me at first!

LYDIA Ah, Julia, I have a thousand things to tell you!--But first inform me what has conjured you to Bath?--Is Sir Anthony here?

JULIA He is--we are arrived within this hour--and I suppose he will be here to wait on Mrs. Malaprop as soon as he is dressed.

LYDIA Then before we are interrupted, let me impart to you some of my distress!--I know your gentle nature will sympathize with me, though your prudence may condemn me! My letters have informed you of my whole connection with Beverley; but I have lost him, Julia! My aunt has discovered our intercourse by a note she intercepted, and has confined me ever since! Yet, would you believe it? she has absolutely fallen in love with a tall Irish baronet she met one night since we have been here, at Lady Macshuffle's rout.

JULIA You jest, Lydia!

LYDIA No, upon my word.--She really carries on a kind of correspondence with him, under a feigned name though, till she chooses to be known to him:--but it is a Delia or a Celia, I assure you.

JULIA Then, surely, she is now more indulgent to her niece.

LYDIA Quite the contrary. Since she has discovered her own frailty, she is become more suspicious of mine. Then I must inform you of another plague!--That odious Acres is to be in Bath to-day; so that I protest I shall be teased out of all spirits!

JULIA Come, come, Lydia, hope for the best--Sir Anthony shall use his interest with Mrs. Malaprop.

LYDIA But you have not heard the worst. Unfortunately I had quarrelled with my poor Beverley, just before my aunt made the discovery, and I have not seen him since, to make it up.

JULIA What was his offence?

LYDIA Nothing at all!--But, I don't know how it was, as often as we had been together, we had never had a quarrel, and, somehow, I was afraid he would never give me an opportunity. So, last Thursday, I wrote a letter to myself, to inform myself that Beverley was at that time paying his addresses to another woman. I signed it _your friend unknown_, showed it to Beverley, charged him with his falsehood, put myself in a violent passion, and vowed I'd never see him more.

JULIA And you let him depart so, and have not seen him since?

LYDIA 'Twas the next day my aunt found the matter out. I intended only to have teased him three days and a half, and now I've lost him for ever.

JULIA If he is as deserving and sincere as you have represented him to me, he will never give you up so. Yet consider, Lydia, you tell me he is but an ensign, and you have thirty thousand pounds.

LYDIA But you know I lose most of my fortune if I marry without my aunt's consent, till of age; and that is what I have determined to do, ever since I knew the penalty. Nor could I love the man who would wish to wait a day for the alternative.

JULIA Nay, this is caprice!

LYDIA What, does Julia tax me with caprice?--I thought her lover Faulkland had inured her to it.

JULIA I do not love even his faults.

LYDIA But apropos--you have sent to him, I suppose?

JULIA Not yet, upon my word--nor has he the least idea of my being in Bath. Sir Anthony's resolution was so sudden, I could not inform him of it.

LYDIA Well, Julia, you are your own mistress, (though under the protection of Sir Anthony), yet have you, for this long year, been a slave to the caprice, the whim, the jealousy of this ungrateful Faulkland, who will ever delay assuming the right of a husband, while you suffer him to be equally imperious as a lover.

JULIA Nay, you are wrong entirely. We were contracted before my father's death. That, and some consequent embarrassments, have delayed what I know to be my Faulkland's most ardent wish. He is too generous to trifle on such a point:--and for his character, you wrong him there, too. No, Lydia, he is too proud, too noble to be jealous; if he is captious, 'tis without dissembling; if fretful, without rudeness. Unused to the fopperies of love, he is negligent of the little duties expected from a lover--but being unhackneyed in the passion, his affection is ardent and sincere; and as it engrosses his whole soul, he expects every thought and emotion of his mistress to move in unison with his. Yet, though his pride calls for this full return, his humility makes him undervalue those qualities in him which would entitle him to it; and not feeling why he should be loved to the degree he wishes, he still suspects that he is not loved enough. This temper, I must own, has cost me many unhappy hours; but I have learned to think myself his debtor, for those imperfections which arise from the ardour of his attachment.

LYDIA Well, I cannot blame you for defending him. But tell me candidly, Julia, had he never saved your life, do you think you should have been attached to him as you are?--Believe me, the rude blast that overset your boat was a prosperous gale of love to him.

JULIA Gratitude may have strengthened my attachment to Mr. Faulkland, but I loved him before he had preserved me; yet surely that alone were an obligation sufficient.

LYDIA Obligation! why a water spaniel would have done as much!--Well, I should never think of giving my heart to a man because he could swim.

JULIA Come, Lydia, you are too inconsiderate.

LYDIA Nay, I do but jest.--What's here?

[Re-enter LUCY in a hurry.]

LUCY O ma'am, here is Sir Anthony Absolute just come home with your aunt.

LYDIA They'll not come here.--Lucy, do you watch.

[Exit LUCY.]

JULIA Yet I must go. Sir Anthony does not know I am here, and if we meet, he'll detain me, to show me the town. I'll take another opportunity of paying my respects to Mrs. Malaprop, when she shall treat me, as long as she chooses, with her select words so ingeniously misapplied, without being mispronounced.

[Re-enter LUCY.]

LUCY O Lud! ma'am, they are both coming up stairs.

LYDIA Well, I'll not detain you, coz.--Adieu, my dear Julia. I'm sure you are in haste to send to Faulkland.--There--through my room you'll find another staircase.

JULIA Adieu! [Embraces LYDIA, and exit.]

LYDIA Here, my dear Lucy, hide these books. Quick, quick!--Fling _Peregrine Pickle_ under the toilet--throw _Roderick Random_ into the closet--put _The Innocent Adultery_ into _The Whole Duty of Man_--thrust _Lord Aimworth_ under the sofa--cram _Ovid_ behind the bolster--there--put _The Man of Feeling_ into your pocket--so, so--now lay _Mrs. Chapone_ in sight, and leave _Fordyce's Sermons_ open on the table.

LUCY O burn it, ma'am! the hair-dresser has torn away as far as _Proper Pride_.

LYDIA Never mind--open at _Sobriety_.--Fling me _Lord Chesterfields Letters_.--Now for 'em.

[Exit LUCY.]

[Enter Mrs. MALAPROP, and Sir ANTHONY ABSOLUTE.]

Mrs. MALAPROP There, Sir Anthony, there sits the deliberate simpleton who wants to disgrace her family, and lavish herself on a fellow not worth a shilling.

LYDIA Madam, I thought you once----

Mrs. MALAPROP You thought, miss! I don't know any business you have to think at all--thought does not become a young woman. But the point we would request of you is, that you will promise to forget this fellow--to illiterate him, I say, quite from your memory.

LYDIA Ah, madam! our memories are independent of our wills. It is not so easy to forget.

Mrs. MALAPROP But I say it is, miss; there is nothing on earth so easy as to forget, if a person chooses to set about it. I'm sure I have as much forgot your poor dear uncle as if he had never existed--and I thought it my duty so to do; and let me tell you, Lydia, these violent memories don't become a young woman.

Sir ANTHONY Why sure she won't pretend to remember what she's ordered not!--ay, this comes of her reading!

LYDIA What crime, madam, have I committed, to be treated thus?

Mrs. MALAPROP Now don't attempt to extirpate yourself from the matter; you know I have proof controvertible of it.--But tell me, will you promise to do as you're bid? Will you take a husband of your friends' choosing?

LYDIA Madam, I must tell you plainly, that had I no preferment for any one else, the choice you have made would be my aversion.

Mrs. MALAPROP What business have you, miss, with preference and aversion? They don't become a young woman; and you ought to know, that as both always wear off, 'tis safest in matrimony to begin with a little aversion. I am sure I hated your poor dear uncle before marriage as if he'd been a blackamoor--and yet, miss, you are sensible what a wife I made!--and when it pleased Heaven to release me from him, 'tis unknown what tears I shed!--But suppose we were going to give you another choice, will you promise us to give up this Beverley?

LYDIA Could I belie my thoughts so far as to give that promise, my actions would certainly as far belie my words.

Mrs. MALAPROP Take yourself to your room.--You are fit company for nothing but your own ill-humours.

LYDIA Willingly, ma'am--I cannot change for the worse. [Exit.]

Mrs. MALAPROP There's a little intricate hussy for you!

Sir ANTHONY It is not to be wondered at, ma'am,--all this is the natural consequence of teaching girls to read. Had I a thousand daughters, by Heaven! I'd as soon have them taught the black art as their alphabet!

Mrs. MALAPROP Nay, nay, Sir Anthony, you are an absolute misanthropy.

Sir ANTHONY In my way hither, Mrs. Malaprop, I observed your niece's maid coming forth from a circulating library!--She had a book in each hand--they were half-bound volumes, with marble covers!--From that moment I guessed how full of duty I should see her mistress!

Mrs. MALAPROP Those are vile places, indeed!

Sir ANTHONY Madam, a circulating library in a town is as an evergreen tree of diabolical knowledge! It blossoms through the year!--And depend on it, Mrs. Malaprop, that they who are so fond of handling the leaves, will long for the fruit at last.

Mrs. MALAPROP Fy, fy, Sir Anthony! you surely speak laconically.

Sir ANTHONY Why, Mrs. Malaprop, in moderation now, what would you have a woman know?

Mrs. MALAPROP Observe me, Sir Anthony. I would by no means wish a daughter of mine to be a progeny of learning; I don't think so much learning becomes a young woman; for instance, I would never let her meddle with Greek, or Hebrew, or algebra, or simony, or fluxions, or paradoxes, or such inflammatory branches of learning--neither would it be necessary for her to handle any of your mathematical, astronomical, diabolical instruments.--But, Sir Anthony, I would send her, at nine years old, to a boarding-school, in order to learn a little ingenuity and artifice. Then, sir, she should have a supercilious knowledge in accounts;--and as she grew up, I would have her instructed in geometry, that she might know something of the contagious countries;--but above all, Sir Anthony, she should be mistress of orthodoxy, that she might not mis-spell, and mis-pronounce words so shamefully as girls usually do; and likewise that she might reprehend the true meaning of what she is saying. This, Sir Anthony, is what I would have a woman know;--and I don't think there is a superstitious article in it.

Sir ANTHONY Well, well, Mrs. Malaprop, I will dispute the point no further with you; though I must confess, that you are a truly moderate and polite arguer, for almost every third word you say is on my side of the question. But, Mrs. Malaprop, to the more important point in debate--you say you have no objection to my proposal?

Mrs. MALAPROP None, I assure you. I am under no positive engagement with Mr. Acres, and as Lydia is so obstinate against him, perhaps your son may have better success.

Sir ANTHONY Well, madam, I will write for the boy directly. He knows not a syllable of this yet, though I have for some time had the proposal in my head. He is at present with his regiment.

Mrs. MALAPROP We have never seen your son, Sir Anthony; but I hope no objection on his side.

Sir ANTHONY Objection!--let him object if he dare!--No, no, Mrs. Malaprop, Jack knows that the least demur puts me in a frenzy directly. My process was always very simple--in their younger days, 'twas "Jack, do this";--if he demurred, I knocked him down--and if he grumbled at that, I always sent him out of the room.

Mrs. MALAPROP Ay, and the properest way, o' my conscience!--nothing is so conciliating to young people as severity.--Well, Sir Anthony, I shall give Mr. Acres his discharge, and prepare Lydia to receive your son's invocations;--and I hope you will represent her to the captain as an object not altogether illegible.

Sir ANTHONY Madam, I will handle the subject prudently.--Well, I must leave you; and let me beg you, Mrs. Malaprop, to enforce this matter roundly to the girl.--Take my advice--keep a tight hand: if she rejects this proposal, clap her under lock and key; and if you were just to let the servants forget to bring her dinner for three or four days, you can't conceive how she'd come about. [Exit.]

Mrs. MALAPROP Well, at any rate, I shall be glad to get her from under my intuition. She has somehow discovered my partiality for Sir Lucius O'Trigger--sure, Lucy can't have betrayed me!--No, the girl is such a simpleton, I should have made her confess it.--Lucy!--Lucy!--[Calls.] Had she been one of your artificial ones, I should never have trusted her.

[Re-enter LUCY.]

LUCY Did you call, ma'am?

Mrs. MALAPROP Yes, girl.--Did you see Sir Lucius while you was out?

LUCY No, indeed, ma'am, not a glimpse of him.

Mrs. MALAPROP You are sure, Lucy, that you never mentioned----

LUCY Oh gemini! I'd sooner cut my tongue out.

Mrs. MALAPROP Well, don't let your simplicity be imposed on.

LUCY No, ma'am.

Mrs. MALAPROP So, come to me presently, and I'll give you another letter to Sir Lucius; but mind, Lucy--if ever you betray what you are entrusted with (unless it be other people's secrets to me), you forfeit my malevolence for ever; and your being a simpleton shall be no excuse for your locality. [Exit.]

LUCY Ha! ha! ha!--So, my dear Simplicity, let me give you a little respite.--[Altering her manner.] Let girls in my station be as fond as they please of appearing expert, and knowing in their trusts; commend me to a mask of silliness, and a pair of sharp eyes for my own interest under it!--Let me see to what account have I turned my simplicity lately.--[Looks at a paper.] For _abetting Miss Lydia Languish in a design of running away with an ensign!--in money, sundry times, twelve pound twelve; gowns, five; hats, ruffles, caps, &c., &c., numberless!--From the said ensign, within this last month, six guineas and a half_.--About a quarter's pay!--Item, _from Mrs. Malaprop, for betraying the young people to her_--when I found matters were likely to be discovered--_two guineas, and a black paduasoy._--Item, _from Mr. Acres, for carrying divers letters_--which I never delivered--_two guineas, and a pair of buckles._--Item, _from Sir Lucius O'Trigger, three crowns, two gold pocket-pieces, and a silver snuff-box!_--Well done, Simplicity!--Yet I was forced to make my Hibernian believe, that he was corresponding, not with the aunt, but with the niece; for though not over rich, I found he had too much pride and delicacy to sacrifice the feelings of a gentleman to the necessities of his fortune. [Exit.]

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