Tidy monologue — Two Slatterns and a King: A Moral Interlude

Oh, dear, oh, dear, what shall I do? Oh, such a plight I never knew! Though I arose as is my way An hour before the break of day, Here it is noon, and nothing done; The milk has soured in the sun, And the sweet, pretty duck I broiled A neighbor’s dog has dragged and spoiled; I beat him with my hands and wept! Straight through the window then he leapt, And through the window after him, With scratchéd face and bruiséd limb, And on through mire and briar and bog Hours and hours I chased that dog, Stumbling, uttering awful cries-- While into my kitchen swarmed the flies! I came back at half-past ten! Oh, what a sight did greet me then! My fair white sheets I hung so fine Down in the black muck under the line! And out of the oven from cakes ’n’ pies ’n’ Beautiful tarts the thick smoke risin’! I knelt down my tarts to remove, And my quince jelly that stood on the stove Up did boil, and, as you see, Boiled itself all over me!-- All over the floor, all over the room,-- Whereat I ran to fetch the broom-- The broom! The broom--instead of the mop! To fetch a broom to wipe up slop! And with its handle smashed the clock’s face, Getting glass all over the place, And knocked the dishes off the shelf, And fell to my knees and cut myself, And wept and cried and when I would rise Could not see for the tears in my eyes; So tripped on a chair and, to save a fall, Caught at the table, then flat did sprawl, Dragging the table down with me, And everything on it, as well you may see! I cannot live in such a state! But where to begin is past my pate!