Starbottle monologue (Act 2) — Two Men of Sandy Bar: A Drama

This is evidently the er--locality. Here are the--er--groves of Academus--the heights of er--Ida! I should say that the unwillingness which the--er--divine Shakespeare points out in the--er--"whining schoolboy" is intensified in--er--climbing this height, and the--er--alacrity of his departure must be in exact ratio to his gravitation. Good idea. Ged! say it to schoolma'am. Wonder what she's like? Humph! the usual thin, weazened, hatchet-faced Yankee spinster, with an indecent familiarity with Webster's Dictionary! And this is the woman, Star, you're expected to discover, and bring back to affluence and plenty. This is the new fanaticism of Mr. Alexander Morton, sen. Ged! not satisfied with dragging his prodigal son out of merited obscurity, this miserable old lunatic commissions ME to hunt up another of his abused relatives; some forty-fifth cousin, whose mother he had frozen, beaten, or starved to death! And all this to please his prodigal! Ged! if that prodigal hadn't presented himself that morning, I'd have picked up--er--some--er--reduced gentleman--Ged, that knew how to spend the old man's money to better advantage. (Musing.) If this schoolmistress were barely good-looking, Star,--and she's sure to have fifty thousand from the old man,--Ged, you might get even with Alexander, sen., for betrothing his prodigal to Dona Jovita, in spite of the--er--evident preference that the girl showed for you. Capital idea! If she's not positively hideous I'll do it! Ged! I'll reconnoitre first! (Musing.) I could stand one eye; yes--er--single eye would not be positively objectionable in the--er--present experiments of science toward the--er--the substitution of glass. Red hair, Star, is--er--Venetian,--the beauty of Giorgione. (Goes up to schoolhouse window, and looks in.) Too early! Seven empty benches; seven desks splashed with ink. The--er--rostrum of the awful Minerva empty, but--er--adorned with flowers, nosegays--demn me! And here, here on the--er--very threshold (looking down), floral tributes. The--er--conceit of these New England schoolma'ams, and their--er--evident Jesuitical influence over the young, is fraught, sir, fraught with--er--darkly political significance. Eh, Ged! there's a caricature on the blackboard. (Laughing.) Ha, ha! Absurd chalk outline of ridiculous fat person. Evidently the schoolma'am's admirer. Ged! immensely funny! Ah! boys will be boys. Like you, Star, just like you,--always up to tricks like that. A sentence scrawled below the figure seems to be--er--explanation. Hem! (Takes out eyeglass.) Let's see (reading.) "This is old"--old--er--old--demme, sir!--"Starbottle!" This is infamous. I haven't been forty-eight hours in the place, and to my certain knowledge haven't spoken to a child. Ged, sir, it's the--er--posting of a libel! The woman, the--er--female, who permits this kind of thing, should be made responsible--er--personally responsible. Eh, hush! What have we here? (Retires to ledge of rocks.)