Campbell monologue — The Albany Depot : a Farce

“It couldn’t have done that, of course; but it would have done everything short of that. But we’re well enough out of it, anyway. It was mighty lucky I came in with my little amendment just when I did. There’s all the difference in the world between asking a lady whether she _is_ a cook and whether she’s _seen_ a cook. That difference just saved the self-respect of the McIlhenys, and saved your life. It gave the truth a slight twist in the right direction. You can’t be too careful about the truth, Roberts. You can’t offer it to people in the crude state; it’s got to be prepared. If you’d carried it through the way I wanted you to, the night you and old Bemis garroted each other, you’d have come out perfectly triumphant. What you want is not the _real_ truth, but the _ideal_ truth; not what you _did,_ but what you _ought_ to have done. Heigh? Now, you see, those McIlhenys have gone off with their susceptibilities in perfect repair, simply because I substituted a _for_ for an _if,_ and made you inquire _for_ a cook instead of _if_ she was a cook. Perhaps you did ask for instead of ask if?”