Cod monologue — Married Life: A Comedy, in Three Acts

I am a lost man--I knew my day of reckoning would arrive. Mary suspects something, that's clear--um!--and I'm going out to dinner too--what a dinner it will be to me; it must be a feast of poison, and a flow of woe--if my secret is preserved, my promise to Lynx must lead to a commotion.--Who can this girl be that I undertake to own? Ha! ha!--now I think of it, I am safe; he _dare_ not betray me, he is as much in _my_ power as I am in _his_--yet how could he have discovered my unhappy situation? He won't acknowledge that. No--no; he considers that mystery adds to his strong hold upon me. I have borrowed a book of criminal jurisprudence, from my attorney.--I want to learn the utmost penalty of the law for my offence.--(_He takes a book from his pocket and turns over the leaves._)--Here it is--bigamy!--(_Reads._)--"If guilty,"--what? "_transportation for life._" Oh!--(_Falling in a chair._)--Think of my being at Botany Bay--working night and day--summer and winter--in trousers without lining--only a shirt on my back--and a chain round my leg; no umbrella to put up when it rains, no such thing as a yard of Welch flannel within a thousand miles of me, and nothing aired for me--I should die--the first damp night would send me to the tomb of the Coddles--oh!--(_Shuddering._)