Cox monologue — Comediettas and Farces

Well, wonders will never cease! Conscious of being eleven minutes and a half behind time, I was sneaking into the shop, in a state of considerable excitement, when my venerable employer, with a smile of extreme benevolence on his aged countenance, said to me, "Cox, I sha'n't want you to-day; you can have a holiday." Thoughts of "Gravesend and back--fare, One Shilling," instantly suggested themselves, intermingled with visions of "Greenwich for Fourpence!" Then came the Twopenny Omnibuses, and the Halfpenny boats--in short, I'm quite bewildered! However, I must have my breakfast first--that'll give me time to reflect. I've bought a mutton-chop, so I sha'n't want any dinner. (_Puts chop on table._) Good gracious! I've forgot the bread. Holloa! what's this? A roll, I declare! Come, that's lucky! Now, then, to light the fire. Holloa! (_seeing the lucifer-box on table_) who presumes to touch my box of lucifers? Why, it's empty! I left one in it--I'll take my oath I did. Heyday! Why, the fire _is_ lighted! Where's the gridiron? On the fire, I declare! And what's that on it? Bacon? Bacon it is! Well, now, 'pon my life, there's a quiet coolness about Mrs. Bouncer's proceedings that's almost amusing. She takes my last lucifer--my coals and my gridiron to cook her breakfast by! No, no--I can't stand this! Come out of that! (_Pokes fork into bacon, and puts it on a plate on the table; then places his chop on the gridiron, which he puts on the fire._) Now, then, for my breakfast-things. (_Taking key, hung up, L., opens door L. and goes out slamming the door after him with a loud noise._)