Box monologue — Comediettas and Farces

It's quite extraordinary, the trouble I always have to get rid of that venerable female! She knows I'm up all night, and yet she seems to set her face against my indulging in a horizontal position by day. Now, let me see--shall I take my nap before I swallow my breakfast, or shall I take my breakfast before I swallow my nap--I mean, shall I swallow my nap before-- No; never mind! I've got a rasher of bacon somewhere (_feeling in his pockets_). I've the most distinct and vivid recollection of having purchased a rasher of bacon-- Oh, here it is (_produces it, wrapped in paper, and places it on table_); and a penny roll. The next thing is to light the fire. Where are my lucifers? (_Looking on mantle-piece, R., and taking box, opens it._) Now, 'pon my life, this is too bad of Bouncer--this is, by several degrees, too bad! I had a whole boxful three days ago, and now there's only one! I'm perfectly aware that she purloins my coals and my candles and my sugar, but I did think--oh, yes, I did think that my lucifers would be sacred! (_Takes candlestick off the mantle-piece, R., in which there is a very small end of candle; looks at it._) Now I should like to ask any unprejudiced person or persons their opinion touching this candle. In the first place, a candle is an article that I don't require, because I'm only at home in the day-time; and I bought this candle on the first of May--Chimney-sweepers' Day--calculating that it would last me three months, and here's one week not half over, and the candle three parts gone! (_Lights the fire; then takes down a gridiron which is hanging over the fireplace, R._) Mrs. Bouncer has been using my gridiron! The last article of consumption that I cooked upon it was a pork-chop, and now it is powerfully impregnated with the odor of red herrings! (_Places gridiron on fire, and then with fork lays rasher of bacon on the gridiron._) How sleepy I am, to be sure! I'd indulge myself with a nap, if there was anybody here to superintend the turning of my bacon. (_Yawning again._) Perhaps it will turn itself. I must lie down--so, here goes. (_Lies on the bed, closing the curtains round him. After a short pause--_