Edwin monologue — A Little Change: A Farce in One Scene

I've made a horrible mistake. I ought to have pretended that it _was_ put in the papers, every one of them, except the ones that can be got at Dumpington. A pretty mess my candour's got me into. This is the consequence of telling one's wife the truth. But who'd have thought that fellow with the whiskers would turn up? I did think that at last I'd given him the slip. He dogs me everywhere. I never could get half a dozen words with either Ethel or that Miss Carruthers, but he put his whiskers in between us, and it was all up with me. What chance has intellect with whiskers? I shall have to give the local barber half a sovereign to clip one off by accident. Meanwhile, the first thing I must do, must be to let him know that Ethel's married. Oh, no, hang it, the first thing he'd do, would be to tell the tale to Miss Carruthers. I must be a bachelor again; there's no help for it. It'll at any rate be a relief to the monotony of Dumpington. On even terms I'd fight it out with pleasure, but I'm overweighted. Nature is _not_ fair. She doesn't divide the whiskers properly.